Silent Tears
by Hopeless
Summary: Alternative outcome to Becoming and the episodes that follow. With a twist in Buffy's fate. B&A romance


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silent tearsBy Hopeless

This story follows on from 'Becoming Part 2' it disregards the end of the episode beginning just after Buffy has sent Angel into Hell.

Summary:Buffy angst at the loss of Angel. His return and a little surprise at the end involving a twist in Buffy's fate and role as the chosen one.(Lots of inner turmoil and stuff. B & A romance)

Disclaimer:The characters in this story are not mine they belong to Joss Whedon the creator of 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer'. I respect his vision and offer this variation not in competition or instead of but as a 'what if' and a purely self-indulgent fantasy. I'm afraid it may reflect my own romanticism and rather obsessive preoccupation with Angel who I have to say is gorgeous as the good Angel and the deliciously wicked Angelus. I would like to reassure you that I have consciously attempted to reel in my romanticism to an acceptably sickening level and give, to the best of my ability, an accurate reflection of the characters, so enjoy! (I would like to apologise in advance for the corny line at the end, I couldn't resist they deserve it)

ATTENTION: In my version Xander gets Giles back to the hospital and Willow and the gang before the end of the spell so they gets to be a part of it!

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"There's moments in your life that make you. That set the course of who you're gonna be. Sometimes they're little subtle moments. Sometimes… they're not" Whistler, Becoming Part 2.

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Part 1

The sword fell to the floor echoing loudly through the empty rooms of the old mansion returning to her hauntingly, teasingly. She just stood there unable to more, staring at the space before her, the space in which he had just stood. She could still taste him, feel the warm of his lips against her mouth, God his hands his beautiful hands. She looked down at her own hands, hands that had killed him, she imagined that she saw blood on them but there was none. There had been no blood no cries just that one word, "Buffy..". She felt herself begin to shake, her body racked uncontrollably in a fit of grief and disgust at herself, at what she'd become. He had been Angel again, Angel not Angelus. She moaned clutching herself in a desperate attempt to hold in the emotion, hold in the pain. She feared that if she let go she would lose herself in her tears, lose everything. Ha. What more did she have to lose? What more could they take from her now? Her knees buckled beneath her and she sank unceremoniously to the floor. She would not cry, she would not let go, her pain was all that she had left, she would not give them that as well. She just lay there unwilling to move, she could still smell him, his presence was all around her. She watched as the shadows began to shift as the night reluctantly lay down for the day. And still she did not cry, clinging to her pain like a blanket that she could wrap around her heart to hide it from the world. 

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Hospital, Sunnydale

"Willow? Willow?!" She opened her eyes slowly cringing slightly from the cut above her eye. She felt surprisingly refreshed not at all drained like she usually did after her spells. But this hadn't been just any spell, she'd felt them they had been with her lending her their power, all of them. And they were so powerful, as a witch she paled in comparison to them. "Willow" Xander was still calling her she looked at him but he wasn't looking at her anymore his eyes were fixed on the bed, all their eyes were fixed on the bed, even Giles. She followed their gaze and was surprised to see nothing but the sheets, no orb, nothing. She opened her mouth to say something but Xander beat her to it, raising an eyebrow but not moving his eyes from the sheet he said, "It's spose'd to do that right?"

"Um"

"Will?" he turned to her dragging his eyes against their will to concentrate on the face of his friend. The cut above her brow looked painful and he felt his anger rise up against those that would hurt her. She met his eyes shrugging, "I… I don't know." She turned to look at Giles whilst Xander continued his verbal tirade in an attempt to fill the silence, "but it worked right? I mean you went all voodoo… it had to have worked." He looked desperately from Willow to Giles. Giles removed his glasses rubbing the bridge of his nose more out of habit than necessity. When he looked up he saw their eyes looking at him expectantly, "Um, well, one would assume that it had, but Buffy would be the only one that would know for sure" 

"I'd say the fact that we're still here's a pretty good sign" said Oz. He sat slumped in the seat beside Willow's bed, as she turned to look at him he reached for her hand squeezing it reassuringly and protectively. "Yes quite," said Giles replacing his glasses slowly wincing slightly from the wounds that Angelus had inflicted upon him. In fact glancing around he had to admit they looked rather a sorry state. No one it seemed had escaped unscathed. Xander, Oz and Cordelia had managed to get away with cuts and bruises, unfortunately for Cordelia hers was a rather nasty looking bruise to her cheek. He was sure there would be no end of moaning over the next week, he almost laughed as he foresaw the bickering that would likely ensue between her and Xander. He really couldn't grasp their relationship he found it hard to recall them ever being civil with each other. He would have laughed out loud if he weren't so aware of his broken ribs. He leaned back slowly in the wheel chair untensing his muscles and wincing slightly, yes they really were a sorry state. "Giles?" Willow asked concerned for the librarian as she noticed the wince, he smiled at her waving his hand dismissingly, "I'm fine". The little witch returned his smile relaxing slightly, they were all still reeling from the events of the night. She found it hard to believe that no one had noticed anything, they had not been disturbed once, odd, as the spell had grown so loud. But this was Sunnydale after all the inhabitants had become experts at forgetting things and tuning things out, quite a feat really, but it made their job easier at times. She wanted to relax to believe that everything was going to be alright but she couldn't ignore the voice nagging at the back of her head, she would not be able to breath easy until she had spoken Buffy, seen that she was alright. More than anything now she wanted to be out of this hospital bed, she couldn't believe how well she felt, surely she should have one hell of a head ache or a concussion or something but she felt fine, better than fine. Maybe some of the magic had rubbed off on her, healing her. She began to relax more as she looked around at her friends that surrounded her, they were safe. She couldn't help but smile at them, she could see Xander already starting to fidget, bored already or perhaps he was just anxious about Buffy. Her smile was infectious and as he caught her gaze he grinned back at her, even Oz began to smile wanting to believe that everything was fine, that they had been successful.

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The following afternoon they were all gathered in the library again. Willow had been discharged straight away, her recovery really was quite miraculous she didn't even have any bruises. Giles on the other hand was a different story, his ribs were tightly strapped to restrict his movements and he was a mess of bruises and cuts. He had discharged himself from the hospital under strict instructions from the doctor to 'rest'. He had however ventured to the library to assess the damage to his books and now stood amongst the disarray under Willow's disapproving gaze. The floor was littered with volumes that had fallen with the shelves that lay at an angle like a giant game of domino's, and their table where they did all their research was broken in two. Thankfully the cage containing 'the' books hadn't been touched neither had Giles' office. The computer, Willow's computer lay smashed on the floor a complete loss. The books she could handle they hadn't been the books that they used to help Buffy they were just books that you would find in any library, but the computer, for some reason the computer hurt her, she took it personally. "Wow" Xander stumbled through the door closely followed by Cordelia who was preoccupied with her compact as she continually applied make up to the flowering bruise on her cheek. She almost bumped into Xander who had stopped in the doorway, there was really no where else for him to stand as the floor was completely covered. "Hey dophus are you trying to bust up my nose aswell now, cause that would look just great, really…". She stopped short as she caught site of the mess that was the library. "Ok so their not real book fans, I mean I can relate but this, this huh, this is just not nice" Xander turned to look at Cordelia giving her the look, 

"Gee ya think that maybe they don't like us?!". She opened her mouth then closed it narrowing her eyes at him threateningly before strolling past them all into the office were she took a seat and continued fussing with her compact. "Giles it wasn't this bad last night. Why? They didn't even touch the cage" Willow looked at Giles imploringly she couldn't understand why they would do it, they had already hurt them. "You'd think they'd have better things to do', Xander jumped in 'what with the whole gateway to Hell thing, wouldn't that just be like a vampire que to party?" Giles just shook his head he was still not a hundred percent and definitely not at all up to Xander speak. Willow bent and began to pick up the books that covered the floor. Xander undeterred by the lack of response and feeling it to be his mission to lighten the mood continued chattering away unperturbed. "So where's the Buffster?" Giles looked out from the office were he had retreated, "She rang me yesterday she should be here soon." Willow frowned 

"I thought you'd seen her?"

"No she…I assumed that you'd spoken to her', he paused for a moment 'she didn't appear to want to talk for long"

"I tried but there was no answer, did she say anything about the spell working?" Willow enquired

"No. Just that she'd killed Angelus"

"Maybe we were too late', Willow frowned again 'Xander you told her what we were doing right?" she turned her eyes questioningly on Xander as did Giles. Xander had suddenly become fascinated by his shoes. Willow felt her stomach sink "please tell me yes", 

"Xander?" Giles added in his authoritative tone, 

"Well you know I...I think I did. Maybe, umm, it was all so rushed and', he looked from Giles to Willow, 'Okay". He threw his hands up "okay I didn't…but I was trying to help her, she would of tried to stall, you know what she's like when its about Angel, you could of died, she could of died" he said imploringly. Giles shook his head and Willow just stared at him "Xander, you should have given her the choice', Giles said, Xander interrupted him. 

"Yeah but..." 

"It wasn't your choice to make. You should have trusted her". He hung his head guiltily 

"You were both hurt and Angel had to pay…I'm sorry" Willow finally spoke, she couldn't believe that Xander would do that. "It's not us you should apologise to its Buffy." As if on que Buffy walked through the door at her name, they all turned as she walked in making her stop suddenly unsure of herself under their scrutiny. It felt like an eternity since she had seen them last, she wasn't the same person anymore. It had taken all her strength to get up and leave the mansion, to leave him, it was like a grave, all that was left of him were the few clothes that were kept there. She felt empty, like someone had ripped out her heart leaving a gaping hole where it used to be, a hole filled with the infection of guilt. She longed to return to the mansion to lay on his bed amongst his things. She had purposefully avoided the place though it called to her constantly. She attempted a smile to reassure them as she stood in the doorway, from the response that she got she knew she had failed miserably. She felt that she would crumble under their gaze, she held herself together, she had to be strong, she was the Slayer. "Buffy what?" she said with an attempt at gaiety as she picked her way through the books to the table that lay in two halves in the middle of the room. Willow shot Xander a look under which he flinched, Buffy would kill him, literally, there would be no hope he couldn't tell her. He'd immigrate send her a letter when he was safely out of the country. He shifted from foot to foot as Willow continued to stare at him he shook his head looking over at Buffy. She was just standing there looking up at the toppled shelves she was so quiet, he felt bad for her, she didn't look so good, maybe she was sick. His eyebrows knotted together as he studied her. Giles coughed drawing Xander's attention as he frowned at him before shaking his head deciding to take matters into his own hands. He pitied the boy Buffy's response would most likely be bad. "Buffy?', she turned to him drawn suddenly from her thoughts she looked pale 'it would appear that Xander failed to inform you that Willow was working on a spell to restore Angel's soul from the hospital last night.". Xander jumped in, "Well you know fails a bad word I'd leaned more towards forgot, or maybe was suffering from a moment of temporary insanity…" he hung his head preparing himself for the attack that didn't come. Buffy looked to Xander then back to Giles her expression remained blank and empty. Giles, ignoring Xander's interruption continued "I take it she was unsuccessful?". Buffy looked down at the floor breaking eye contact she was silent for a moment before looking up and shaking her head, Willow noticed that her fists were clenched but said nothing. "He opened the void, I had to kill him to close it" she bowed her head again. She hadn't really lied to them just been selective with the truth. She wasn't ready, she didn't want to be a monster in their eyes being one in his was bad enough, punishment enough. She stood for a moment hanging her head to hide her eyes, she could feel Willow studying her. She knew her to well, well enough to read the emptiness in her eyes, see the truth of what she had become. She buried her emotions deep inside herself, in the blackness that was once her heart. She wouldn't steal away anymore of Willow's innocence she had taken enough already, since the day she had arrived all she had offered her was ugly death and fear. As she regained herself she moved towards the door, she had to get away, she wasn't ready to face them yet she needed to get control of herself. She had to be strong for them, had to protect them. As she reached the door Xander reached out his hand brushing her arm, she jumped at the contact, he felt so human, so normal she marvelled that he didn't notice the coldness that she felt had seeped into her skin. He looked at her with apologetic eyes, "I'm sorry Buffy. I was a real moron,' he broke eye contact and said seriously 'I was scared". Buffy nodded, he was so sweet really, and in that moment so young. "It's okay Xander," she said and it was the truth she didn't care it didn't matter now it was done and she was helpless to change it, once again her destiny had reared its ugly head. She turned to Giles as the despair began to beat inside her head screeching for her attention, "I have to go to class but I'll come back and help later". Giles nodded silently, they were all silent as she turned to leave the place that had once been a sanctuary but now merely taunted her with memories of all that she had lost. She longed to be innocent again to not know this pain. She walked out the door and down the corridor only when she got around the corner did she let out the breath that she had been unconsciously holding. Her hands were shaking again as she slumped against the wall she unclenched her fists noticing the drops of blood where her nails had cut into her skin. The cuts tingled and she watched the blood trickle into her palm, the pain felt good, felt alive and real, she clung to it as she continued down the corridor concentrating on it to hold herself together. 

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When she returned to the library at the end of the day Willow was still there as was Xander. Cordelia unsurprisingly had suddenly remembered an urgent appointment realising that there was actually work to be done. She was quite surprised to still see Xander there she assumed that Willow was keeping him working as some form of penance. When she walked in they did not stare at her, it was almost as if nothing had happened. She found it hard to believe that the world had not stopped turning in that terrible moment. As she had walked through the corridors of the high school all day people were still the same, still bickering over the same petty things. Principal Synder still prowled the corridors as usual picking on the stragglers and managing to find a reason to haul her into his office at the first opportunity. Some how it made it easier, she had slipped into autopilot, not thinking just reacting as she was expected to, but inside there was nothing. The silence echoed through her, it was becoming deafening. Every instinct called her back to the mansion, she shouldn't of done it, surely there could have been a way something she might of done. She longed to take his place. Even when he was Angelus at least he was there, she knew he existed, knowing that Angel was there somewhere she could have hope. But now, now she had nothing she killed her hope with a kiss, destroyed her dreams and any possibility of happiness with a sword. Even if she could go to him now he would hate her anyway. How could he forgive what she had done, she had betrayed him at his weakest moment, taken advantage of his vulnerability and his trust. Her chest throbbed and she reached for the doorframe for support holding her breath, holding in the pain. Her face was a mask. No, no. She wouldn't let go, she wouldn't. She pulled her head up checking that they hadn't seen, that she was still strong in their eyes. She couldn't bear it if they knew, knew the kind of person that she really was, what she had become. 

"Hey Buffy" Willow called to her as she hovered in the doorway. "Not bad huh?" she said referring to the amazing clean up job they'd done on the library, "looking good Will" she replied with a light tone that belied her mood. "Yep' Willow replied proudly getting up from her spot on the floor where she had been restacking the shelves, 'I got some of the football team in to help put the shelves back up". 

"That's our Will she's got all the good connections," said Xander looking up from behind a stack of books grinning at her warily. "You've missed all the fun, Willow's alphabetised" he said sarcastically while Willow continued to beam proudly. "Sorry I got dragged in by Synder" she explained simply failing to rise to Xander's comment, a remark that a week ago would have caused her to join in with his teasing of the little red head. "Where's Giles?" she asked searching the room, 

"Willow's banished him to the office to rest" Xander explained returning to his books, Buffy looked to Willow who was nodding "Yeah he doesn't say but he's still real sore and he won't go home. He's doing the stubborn librarian thing and pulling rank on me" Buffy wondered over to the office where Giles was sitting at his desk looking through one of his many books. "Hey" she said quietly, he looked up at her surprise on his face. "Good afternoon Buffy". She tried to smile at him, be happy Buffy. "So is today a demon free day?" she asked attempting lightness in her tone. 

"It would appear that the demon population of Sunnydale are reeling from their more recent failure. And with Spike and Drucilla out of town…" she cut him off.

"Don't say it Giles you'll jinx us" he nodded smiling at the familiarity of the comment she seemed more herself than she had been that morning. "You could take the night off if you like, go to the Bronze." He offered.

"No it's okay, can't let them think I'm slacking". He was surprised by her response normally she would jump at the chance of a night off. "Is everything alright?" he asked cautiously. She turned to him with those large blue eyes, he could of sworn they darkened for a moment before she caught herself, "Of course" she replied. 

"Well that's good," he said as she turned to leave the office to help Willow in the library. He watched her go unconvinced but residing to give her time, she would tell him when she was ready. Or she would forget and move on.

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The next few weeks were a blur of colours and words that swam around the darkness that seemed to consume her being. School continued as normal, did it ever stop for anything? Synder was constantly looking over her shoulder for an excuse to throw her out again. The demons were not quiet for long, they seemed more zealous than ever in their attacks, or maybe it was her, maybe she was weakening. Her limbs were heavy burdens that held her in the everyday. She slept, went to school, ate and slayed. She had stopped going to the Bronze preferring to roam the graveyard. Wherever she went he was there. In her head she heard his cruel taunts thrown at her to hurt but now strangely comforting and treasured. She would even have him back as Angelus if she could, anything was better than this void that she felt herself slipping into. In her mind she was standing on the edge of a precipice, and the sweet oblivion of its depths called to her, she could lose herself in nothingness, she longed to forget everything. But her memories were all that she had, what would she be without them, she feared if she lost them she would cease to exist. Perhaps that would have been better, but responsibility held her back from the edge.

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"There's definitely something wrong Giles!" said Willow. She was sitting in the library with Giles and Xander. It was late and Buffy had again stood her up at the Bronze. "Now lets not jump to conclusions, I'm sure she…" Willow uncharacteristically cut Giles short. "Giles she's being like the perfect slayer, she eats barely, sleeps, and slays. She's even going to class. That's not Buffy". Giles pondered this for a moment and Xander looked from him to Willow confused. "So what are you saying Will?" he asked. Willow looked at him with concern in her eyes.

"She's walking around and breathing and stuff but she's not there. She hasn't been there for weeks' her voice had lowered, 'we're losing her Giles and I don't know why and that scares me. Don't tell me you haven't noticed". Giles sighed in resignation.

"I have I was, I don't know. I thought she was improving, becoming herself again"

"Dream on G man," said Xander. Giles choose to ignore Xander's comment addressing Willow, 

"If only we knew what the cause was" he pondered.

"What about Angelus' Willow offered all to quickly 'she hasn't been the same since she came back from the mansion"

"No way' said Xander 'he was evil". Willow turned to him.

"Yeah but he was Angel first, he was Angel when she loved him". Xander again looked confused as he realised the significance. Why could things never be simple he mused to himself. Geez he's bad, he's good, he's bad. It gave him a headache. Maybe Buffy had a headache to. Yeah right dophus she's got a headache called heart ache. "That's it then' he said 'she's just realising that she's lost him". Willow shook her head. "No it's not that simple she lost him months ago. We all watched it". She turned to Giles for help watching him polish his glasses. "If it were a demon I could give you answers, but I have little insight into the teenage mind. Least of all Buffy's'. He replaced his glasses as he finished speaking 'we can't know how to help her until she asks".

"It might be to late by then," said Xander in a rare moment of clarity. Buffy walked through the swinging doors at that point causing them all to look up at her. She was unfazed by the attention walking directly to Giles saying, "Buffy reporting in, all clear on the demon front". She plastered a smile across her features saying hi to them before making the excuse of tiredness to leave. Willow cast a desperate and ineffectual look at Giles before jumping from her seat calling out to Buffy. "Hey Buffy wait, I wanna talk to you". Buffy turned surprised,

"Sure Will, talk away". Willow swallowed before speaking.

"How about we go into the office okay". She thought that perhaps she would have a better chance with a one to one, plus Buffy was tired maybe she could get pass the defences. As Willow turned to close the door Buffy hovered by the desk. "So what's up' she asked 'is it Oz?"

"No' said Willow 'I was actually going to ask you the same thing" Buffy frowned

"What? Nothings wrong" she said quickly.

"Come on Buffy I'm not blind' Buffy was taken a back visibly by the force of her tone 'I know you and this isn't. The lights are on but you're not there. You're just going through the motions. Why?" Buffy looked to the floor suddenly at a loss under the red heads glare.

"Is it Angelus? I know it must have been hard for you' Buffy was rocked by her perception, 'talk to me I'm your friend I'm here for you we all are". Buffy shook her head and went to leave brushing past the enraged red head.

"No what' Willow yelled at her as she yanked the door open 'I'm not your friend. You can't pretend that you don't care. That you're not alive". Buffy paused just outside the office doorway trapped between Willow and the concerned looks of Giles and Xander. Her head swam, she was tired she just wanted to go but Willow continued to hound her. "He was bad Buffy you had no choice, he wasn't Angel. You did what you had to do, you're a hero you saved everyone". It was at the word 'hero' that she broke swinging around to face Willow. "I'm no hero, I'm a monster far more evil than he could ever have been. You wanna hear the details of what your hero did!". Willow was not so easily shocked and replied with a measured "yes". Buffy's voice lowered to a tone of melancholy and self-hatred. 

"He was Angel Will, not Angelus. But he had already opened the portal. What I did was unforgivable the worst kind of treachery. I held him as I watched the portal grow behind him. I kissed him and told him to close his eyes. He remembered nothing, he trusted me and I repaid him by plunging a sword into his chest, by sending him to eternal damnation. I killed the only person I ever loved' she paused clenching her hands to control the tears that were fighting for release 'are you afraid of me, do you see what I am, some hero huh'. Willow shook her head silently 'well you should be. All I bring is death to those I love". 

"Oh Buffy" said Giles his voice full of pity and understanding, she turned to him

"Don't Giles I don't deserve it" with that she turned running from the library unable to cope with their looks of pity. 

She didn't get far collapsing against the wall down the corridor sliding to the floor hands bleeding from reopened cuts as she fought with her grief. She didn't even hear Willow's footsteps as she approached. Didn't know she was there until she felt her touch on her knees that she held tightly against her chest. "I'm so sorry Willow" Willow smiled at her understandingly.

"For what being human, you are human you know" Buffy shook her head

"No I'm not, I can't be I have to be strong. I have to be the chosen one" she said her voice low and weak. Willow stroked her hair back from her face before taking her hand, noticing the blood she took a tissue from her pocket dabbing at them, looking again into Buffy's eyes seeing the pain there. "I know it's hard Buffy. I don't pretend to know how much you hurt, how much you loved him, but you have to grieve. This isn't healthy, you need to move on. It's what Angel would want?"

"I know but I can't. I killed him Will. He called out my name as he was pulled down. He called my name and there was understanding in his voice.' She scoffed 'it would have been easier if there was hate but there wasn't only love and understanding. What do I do with that Will? I don't know how to be without him. I don't know who I am without him there anymore." Tears slid down Willow's cheeks as she pulled her into a hug. "I'm here for you. I won't let you go" she sobbed into Buffy's shoulder and Buffy held her dry eyed and cold. "Just don't leave us okay. You can't walk around like you're dead Buffy. You're alive, you have to live". They just held each other like that for a long time Buffy comforting Willow more than vice versa. Willow brought her back to the library, she submitted to their pity to make them feel better but it meant nothing, did nothing, she felt nothing. She merely adjusting her façade to better reassure them, way lay their fears and protect them where she had failed to protect him. 

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Part 2

She couldn't resist anymore. It was calling to her, pulling her. Every moment was consumed by the desire to return the necessity. She'd felt like no more than a shadow these past weeks, haunting the places that had once been filled with laughter and purpose. The library, the school, the graveyard even her bedroom, her house they were nothing. Rotting shrines to what once had been monuments to loss. But she was afraid, afraid to see, afraid to feel. She had become numb in the regularity of everyday, in the tenacity of life. It waited for her there, in that old house, full of so many secrets, so many 'what ifs'. She would lose herself in its halls, in his things, he was still alive there, the building itself seemed to her seeped in his presence. She had no choice, she had spent the weeks walking in circles around the inevitable, she needed to lay him to rest, he deserved peace. She was haunting him as much as his memory was her. Willow was right she had to let him go, but her guilt her pain was now a part of her, in his absence it defined who she was. She needed to cling to it. She'd begun to measure her existence in terms of the then and the ever sorrowful now. If she could've joined him she would have without a second thought, but instead she was living her own private hell. Even her dreams were empty now, she hadn't had a portent since that night. There was nothing but the darkness through which she called to him searching aimless spurred on by the occasional echo of his last cry. It was the house, it was the damn house it was waiting for her. And now she had come, her feet had carried her to its steps. Dumping her, their useless host at its feet, at its mercy. 

Everything inside was still, coated in a blanket of dust that accentuated its emptiness. The sound of her footsteps rang out running ahead of her into the shadows. His things were still there, a shirt casually thrown across one of the downstairs chairs, a book open to his last page. She found it hard to imagine Angelus reading, it seemed such an Angel thing to do. Or had been an Angel thing to do. He was always so passionate when it came to words. He had such a hoard of books, enough to impress even Giles. She wished that she had taken the time to ask him about them. They had been his only solace and she hadn't taken the time. They were always so sad, she had pushed them away, chided him for his brooding. She left the book where it was, afraid to touch it. She wanted this to remain his world for as long as possible, it allowed her to kid herself that he was going to come back and finish it someday. She cursed Angelus for what he had forced her to do, for all the books that Angel would never read, all the nights they would never spend together, all the things that she could never say. They stretched out before her paving the way to oblivion. Her hands began to shake as they had on that fateful night, the tears came again to her eyes pleading for release. But she couldn't do it, she bit down on her lip, she wasn't ready, she'd never be ready. She walked to the chair leaving her footprints in the dust as she reached for his shirt. She could still smell him on the material. She slipped it over her shoulders hugging it to her skin as she sank into the chair trembling as she clung to her tears. The scent of him reassured her, soothed her. He would live in her she would not let him die, would not let him leave. 

She must have fallen into a light sleep for when she opened her eyes again the shadows had shifted dancing around the room while she'd slumbered. She didn't know what had woken her, all she could hear was the same endless silence. As she went to close her eyes again, content to stay in the embrace of his shirt, she felt a breeze of warm air that stirred the dust from its repose. She looked up again confused, had someone entered? She was sure she had closed the door. She listened, alert but heard no one. The dust resettled before being disturbed again by a more forceful gust that threatened to topple the chair on which she was perched. She closed her eyes against the clouds that it rose from the floor feeling its sting as its heat hit her face. And then there was nothing again and the dust began to settle for the second time. She again was content to return to the void of sleep and would have done so had it not been for the quietest of sounds made loud by the emptiness of the hall. She held her own breath listening to the steady rasp of another's. And as the dust cleared she saw him lying on the floor in the centre of the room, skin shinning in the moonlight that peeked through the tall windows. She didn't know what to do, had she finally gone mad, lost it completely. It couldn't be him, it had to be her imagination, but there he lay naked in the moonlight. Still so beautiful. But wouldn't she conjure him as he had been, dressed in his long coat and sad hooded eyes. Why would she create such a tortured image. She took in a shaky breath as he stirred coughing at the dust that assaulted him. Could it really be. She tried to stand on legs that simply would not work forcing her to crawl to him. Did she dare touch him. She didn't want this image to disappear. She hesitated watching his back rise and fall as he breathed. He lay face down curled into a foetal ball that denied her his face. She reached out a tentative hand to stroke his hair. He didn't disappear but shivered as if afraid of her touch. She felt the lump catch in her throat. "Angel?" she said her voice breaking with tears that had waited all to long to fall. They came in a cascade now unquenchable, unending. He stirred lifting his head as her hands glided over his shoulders making sure that he was real, that he wasn't going to disappear. He finally looked at her with dark eyes now red from tears that still flowed. She had no words her hands glided across his shoulders to his face, his eyes, his lips, his cheek. She felt she was drowning, her mind was screaming at the impossibility that belied her eyes. He just looked at her still shaking. It seemed like an eternity but could have only been minutes until he pulled her to him clinging desperately to her as if for life itself. She held him tightly stroking his hair in her attempts to soothe him. Their tears mingled as they fell washing the dust from his face. He wouldn't let her go, his hands roamed her, trembling with every touch as he repeated her name over and over, "Buffy?" 

"It's me Angel. I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere" she tried to reassure him, calm him but he didn't seem to hear her. He kept looking at her, his hands taking in every inch of her, sliding through her hair, "Buffy, Buffy, Buffy". 

"Shhh" she said trying to pull him to his feet but his legs would not hold him and he sank back down to the floor taking her with him. She sobbed, what had they done to him, he was so weak. She stroked his face cradling his head in her lap. He simply lay there feverish in her arms. She held him for a long time listening to his breathing and whispering soothingly to him. As he began to calm she pulled her knife from her belt. He jumped at the sudden movement shaking violent. Eyes streaming she cut her arm holding it to his mouth, he tried to pull away but she wouldn't let him forcing him to drink. She would make him well, make him strong. She bit her lip as his wonderful mouth drew the life giving liquid from her vein. God bless him he broke the hold himself taking only what she could spare, thinking of her needs above his own even now. As she coaxed him to his feet he leaned on her and she half carried him up the stairs to his bed. He clung to her still refusing to let go. The anguish in his eyes tormented her terribly. He seemed to see and yet not see at the same time. She moved to step away from him to get him some clothes from the closet but he wouldn't let go of her hand, wouldn't let her leave his side. He pulled her into the bed with him wrapping himself around her small frame. She relaxed pulling the covers over them. He was so cold, so cold. "Shh Angel sleep, it's okay I'll watch over you I promise." He slowly began to relax, his breathing steadied as he fell into a sleep of exhaustion with her by his side. She lay there watching him through her tears. What had she done to him, her poor Angel. 

He slept peacefully from what she could tell free from the torment of dreams. She stayed all night happy just to be near him. As the morning came she prised herself from his embrace reluctantly to seal the light from the mansion. She was torn she had to go to school but she was afraid to leave him, she didn't want him to wake alone. She gathered all the candles that she could find in the house lighting a few and leaving the rest by the bed for him. She knew how much he liked the light. She went to him on the bed stroking his hair as she showered delicate kisses on his face. He stirred whispering her name, "I'll be back soon', she said 'I'll bring you something to eat just rest okay". He moaned softly his eyes fluttering open to look at her face for a moment as his hand moved to caress her cheek before he slipped back into sleep. She held his hand in hers for a moment before placing it back beneath the covers, pulling them tightly around him before she crept silently out into the day. 

********************

They were all gathered in the library as normal that morning. Sitting at the table smiling happily as they laughed their way through the last weeks of their final year. There had been a new feeling building in the air over the past few weeks. One of hopeful anticipation, they were all going to move on, start their lives. She still felt a twinge of jealousy at all the possibilities that were laid out before them, but it was deep at the back of her mind. She was happy now, Angel would be there for her, he wouldn't leave she wouldn't let him. She was going to make him well again, happy and whole. Make him forget what he had gone through. It was her duty to him, he was her responsibility now and she would do anything to make it up to him, appease the guilt that still tore at her insides. She felt better for the tears that she had shed with him last night. She was strong, she would be for him. He was so helpless, he had been like a child. God knows what would've happened if she hadn't been there. She shook her head she didn't want to think about that, she was there, and she would always be there. Doubt nagged at her thoughts. What if he didn't want her? She wouldn't be able to blame him if he hated her. But he had held on to her so desperately, so tightly, his intensity had scared her, as had his tears. He hadn't stopped crying even as he'd fallen asleep in her arms. He could push her away if he wanted to, she deserved no more than his contempt, but not until he was strong again, when he was strong… She daren't finish the thought. Could she really let him go again? Could she survive his rejection? She was sickened by her own selfishness admonishing herself silently. It didn't matter what she wanted, what she felt, she didn't deserve him. As long as she knew he was living that was enough, would have to be enough.

She sucked in her breath putting her feelings aside as she walked into the library, she was dreading this but they had to be told, they had a right to know. And she needed to know that they weren't going to kill him on site, had to be sure. They all looked up at her with a multitude of hello's and quips as she walked over to them smiling as best she could with the butterflies in her tummy. "Hey" she said looking at each of them. Willow sat on Oz's lap grinning from ear to ear as he held her to him, Xander was perched on the end of the table legs swinging like a child with Cordelia sitting on the chair beside him looking at him in the usual sarcastically despairing but loving way. Just looking at them made her ache. "So where's Giles? He's never late"

"He's in the office," said Willow. Buffy moved over to the office quietly leaving them to their light chatter. As she peered through the open office door she saw him slumped over his desk apparently deep in thought. She knew he was thinking about Jenny, she recognised the particular pattern of lines in his frown. She felt a pang of regret deep inside. She felt responsible for Jenny's death. Yet another person she had failed to save. His eyes were glazed as he stared into the past when they had all been blessed with the promise of happiness. She moved to him laying an understanding hand on his shoulder. He jumped at the sudden touch but smiled up at her. "Hello Buffy. I was just..." she interrupted him,

"I know". He nodded as he realised her understanding patting her hand in a moment of shared sadness and affection. She could see him pushing his hurt aside putting back the mask of the Watcher. "Giles can I ask you something?"

"Of course" he replied. She moved from his side to the window that looked out onto the library, watching the others silently. Finally she turned to him, "do you blame Angel for Jenny?" she asked quietly looking into his eyes. He just looked at her for a moment swallowing before removing his glasses and sighing. "No, I, I know Angel would never have hurt Jenny, or any of us". She nodded. "What is it Buffy?" he asked expertly reading the indecision in her body language. "He's back Giles," she said simply. He opened his mouth to speak but then closed it again. "He's Angel, but he's so weak, and he won't stop crying. Even in his sleep he cries". He returned his glasses to his nose. "When did this happen?" he asked in a steady voice. 

"Last night, at the mansion. One minute I was alone and then he was there, lying on the floor". He frowned looking up at her then out into the library. "Have you said anything to them?" 

"No I,' she stumbled 'I was afraid. Xander hated him anyway. I won't kill him again Giles. It's my fault not his". She bit down on the tears that sprung to her eyes at the mention of that night. 

"I know but they have to be told" she nodded quietly. "Do you need any help. Um, with blood for him" she looked up at him again nodding. "Okay" he started to get up and make his way into the main library turning at the door he said to her "don't worry I won't let Xander hurt him. Angel's not responsible for what the demon does when it's in his body".

"Thankyou,' she said 'I know how hard it is to say that after what happened to Jenny".

"She died trying to bring him back I'm not going to throw that away in a moment of petty revenge" he replied. She followed him out into the library again reassured by his words. 

"What?! Hell can't be what it used to. What happened to eternal damnation!" Exclaimed Xander jumping to his feet at Giles' news. "Xander how can you say that" said Willow after recovering from her initial shock. "It's Angelus who deserves to suffer not Angel". Xander was fuming, 

"But he killed Miss Calendar, or are you just gonna forget that?" Giles shock his head wearily at the boy. "He's as much a victim of Angelus as any of us, perhaps even more so" he said. Xander scoffed at this. Buffy who had been silent and a step back from the group finally spoke, "Xander he has to live with the memory of all that Angelus did, isn't that enough". Her voice was gentle and thick with emotion, she didn't want to lose him over this. He turned to her with blazing eyes that began to soften as they fell upon her face. "Jeez Buffy, why can't you just find a normal boyfriend?" he pleaded. 

"Because I'm not normal and I can't live with any more deaths on my conscience" was her quiet reply. He exhaled deeply at this, the anger suddenly knocked out of him. "I need him' she continued, 'I, I can't keep doing this without him". 

"We're here for you" he whispered. She looked at him for a moment at all of them,

"You have your own lives to lead. I want you to be happy. I don't want you to look back when you're eighty and regret the things that you never did. I want you to reach eighty". At this point Willow spoke up,

"I'd never think that, I don't regret anything."

"Thanks Will" she said. Oz nodded his agreement. 

"So you're gonna be like happy Buffy again now, cause the frowning thing it was doing nothing for you" was Cordelia's contribution to the moment, which immediately lightened the sombre mood that had begun to settle. "So why did he get to come back?" Oz asked. 

"I really don't know. I've never heard of it happening before" said Giles

"Maybe it's because he was Angel not Angelus when they took him. They weren't really his crimes" Willow offered. 

"Yes perhaps." Giles mused. Willow got up from Oz's lap coming over to Buffy, 

"How is he?" she asked taking her hand comfortingly. Buffy attempted a weak smile for her benefit.

"Not so good. He doesn't seem to hear me at all, he just cries and keeps whispering my name. Oh Will he's so weak"

*********************

When she returned he was sitting on the end of the bed. He was wearing a pair of jogging pants that he must have found in the closet. The candles that she had left him were all arranged on the floor flooding the room with wonderful light. She suddenly felt unsure of herself. He had stopped crying but his eyes were still red from those already shed. He looked at her with those beautiful dark eyes as she stood in the doorway. He looked so pained so hurt. Did he hate her? She dropped her bag to the floor inside the door. Tearing her eyes from him she bent to unzip it pulling out the bags of blood that she had brought him. She walked towards him tentatively. He still just looked at her with that terrible expression of pain and grief, it tore her apart inside to see it. As she got close to him she said, "I've brought you something to eat" holding out the bags of blood to him with hands that she fought hard to steady. He dragged his eyes away from her to look down at the bags that she offered him. Instead of taking them though his eyes lingered before his hand took her wrist. With trembling fingers he stroked the cut from which she had fed him the night before. It still looked red and painful, even more so in the candlelight. "Oh my God, What did I do to you?' he said in a voice thick with grief and selfloathing 'all these months". She couldn't believe what she was hearing and yet it made sense. Of course Angel would blame himself it was in his nature it was his curse and she had only served to increase his burden of pain. "No, no it wasn't you, Angel you have to listen to me I know it wasn't you, they all do." She reached with her hand to cup his face, which blurred as her eyes stung with tears. He looked into her eyes allowing her hand to linger before pulling away sharply as if her very touch had burnt his skin. He stalked around the room agitated. She let her hand slowly drop limply to her side unwilling to give up the feel of his skin and the curve of his cheek. She bit down on her lower lip fighting to hold back the tears, she would not cry, she had cried to much already. What must he be going through, the guilt was a cancer that rotted inside her, "I'm so sorry" she whispered. He stopped suddenly turning to look at her seeing her face as if for the first time. A single blood tear ran down his cheek leaving a tinted trail over the beautiful pale flesh. She ached, ached to comfort him but she didn't have the words, how he must despise her for what she had done. How could you forgive someone for sending you too two hundreds years of torment. The pain grew blossoming in her chest, she doubled over in a heart-wrenching sob sliding down the nearby wall to the floor and burying her head in her hands. She felt ashamed of her tears, her selfishness, and her weakness. She was shaking as the pain that had built over the passed few weeks broke tearing at her insides mercilessly, accompanied by a cold dark fear. She knew that if she lost him again she would die. Maybe not physically but she would be no more than an empty shell dead inside. She couldn't be without him any longer, she couldn't.

He had never seen her like this before she was always so strong, even as she had kissed him and told him to close his eyes before plunging him into hell. So young but so strong, so much stronger than him. He reprimanded himself for his own selfishness but he kept seeing images of her crying and hurting, hurt that he had inflicted. How could she forgive him he had almost destroyed her. The demon had revelled in her pain and suffering, played on her love for him, her loss. He knew it had wanted to break her, drive her mad. It had tried to destroy her world but she had stopped it. But he remembered the looks on her face that betrayed its success in breaking her heart, his success. He remembered how it had fought and goaded her, he looked down at his hands, hands that had hit her, bruised her, almost killed her. He watched as blood tears fell into the white flesh of his palm making them appear for a moment flushed and human not cold. Only in her had he ever been warm, she had never shied from his touch she had accepted him for all that he was, loved all that he was without question or fear. He looked at what he had done to her the pain with which he had scarred her youth. He sank to the floor beside her his own sobs mirroring hers as he pulled her to him. She succumbed easily with an innocence that betrayed the hardships that she had already lived through. Sometimes he felt that she was the older and wiser one, he to often forgot that she was only seventeen years old, so new to the world. He stroked her hair revelling in its softness as it slipped through his fingers, he never wanted to move from here, to let her go. He pulled her tightly to him and her sobs slowly began to subside, she looked up at him with glistening eyes that lay her heart out naked before him. The sight of her brought a lump to his throat that he concentrated hard on swallowing. He would be strong for her he wouldn't let her down again. She stared at him so intensely that he felt she must be reading his thoughts.

In his eyes she saw the raw pain that seemed to consume him but also she saw his love. She was the slayer if she could fight demons why could she not fight that pain, obliterate it from their lives. They were together now that's all that mattered. She reached up for the second time cupping his face in her hands, his beautiful face, she'd missed it so much. He nuzzled her hand lightly accepting her tentative caress then kissing the palm with a delicate feather light kiss that she remembered so well, it sent a shiver down her spine. She thought of what he must have gone through, how he must have suffered. "All I could think about was you' he said reading her mind, 'I never blamed you, I was so proud of you of your courage, the thought of you beating them". A tear slid down her cheek and he caught it with his finger, "no more tears". He kissed her savouring every moment of her flesh her cheeks her eyes her mouth, the taste of her reassured him making him feel safe and whole, her response sent waves of desire through him. He moved his face across her cheek to her hair trying to memorise her scent her smoothness and warmth, so warm. "I'll never hurt you again I promise" he whispered hoarsely into her ear. She pulled away from him to look into his eyes questioningly, "why don't you believe me I don't blame you Angel I know you would never hurt me". She searched his eyes, "please". 

"It's hard I remember how I fought you goaded you". She stopped his mouth with a passionate kiss filling his mouth with her tongue teasing him with her warmth, she pulled away leaving him breathless, "Angelus not Angel', she said 'I love you and that's all that matters". He nodded in submission trying to draw her back to him she resisted pondering his eyes again searching for proof of his acceptance there, satisfied she allowed him to pull her into his embrace. He lifted her from the floor carefully, she was so light in his arms with her delicate little hands entwining in his hair, his neck, eagerly exploring every inch of his skin. He growled low in his throat an indication of his pleasure that she recognised with a smile. He lowered her onto the bed that stood in the centre of the room surrounded by the candles that he had lit earlier as he had waited for her return. She sank into the soft white sheets and they shrouded around her giving her an angelic look, only her eyes betrayed her as her lust gazed out at him from beneath her luscious thick lashes. He had waited so long to touch her, he wanted all of her at once but he held back. He bent to kiss the tip of her nose barely brushing it with his lips teasing her, she reached for his head to pull him down towards her but he wouldn't let her slipping away from her small hands. His breath caught in his throat as he looked at her, so trusting and loving after all that he had done. He sat down beside her reaching out for her and pulling her to him. He held her tightly against his body moulding her against him as they kissed again deeply, communicating volumes without saying a word. Her hands roamed over the firm muscles of his back causing him to shiver as he reached for her shirt intent of ripping the offending garment off of her, he wanted to feel her skin against his. She helped him letting the shirt drop to the floor as he continued his assault against her mouth. Again he pulled her to him with large hands that seemed to cradle her in her entirety. He finally broke from her, letting her breath as he whispered her name over and over hands gliding over the smoothness of her back, marvelling at the goose bumps that rose in his path. As he moved to kiss her again she suddenly stiffened in his arms. "Angel stop", he didn't hear her he was to caught up in his lust, his need for her. "Angel" she almost cried this time he heard her and immediately pulled back cupping her face with his hands, there were tears again as she hugged her arms to her chest, "we can't' she sobbed between tears 'I can't lose you again, not again". He backed away from her tears springing to his own eyes as he realised what she was saying, the implication of her words hung heavily in the air. He growled, he still wanted her so much. The demon within him taunted him with memories of the last time teasing and enticing. And she was sitting on his bed so vulnerable, his for the taking, it took all his strength to back away from her. She looked at him with tears and sorrow in her eyes, he didn't want to hurt her like this, "Buffy" he breathed expressing all his feelings in that one word causing her tears to fall a new. He went to her silently. There was nothing he could say. He reached for her and she resisted at first caught up in her own feelings of guilt, he smoothed her hair, "it's all right, I just want to hold you, let me hold you". She succumbed allowing him to pull her to him and into the warmth of the bed, he held her as she cried, weeping his own silent tears until she felt into a fitful sleep.

She drifted in darkness, it floated over her in glorious waves lulling her with its steady rhythm. She was sad but she couldn't remember why and it didn't matter, nothing mattered here. She drifted silently letting the tide pull her to and fro, rocking her like a child. It was a while before she became aware of her body realising that the rhythm had been the beat of her heart and her breathing as she slept. She knew she was dreaming. She opened her eyes and saw herself on the bed, asleep in his arms, "Angel" she breathed, the sound seemed to jump and dance around her as if caught by a breeze, stirring her hair as it passed out of the door. She watched it enthralled. She stood in the corner of the room that was lit by the soft glow of dying candles. It was such a peaceful scene that she almost forgot her sadness allowing herself to be swept up in its simplicity. A boy and a girl, how many were there throughout the world? How many scenes like this one? But it wasn't just any boy and a girl, a slayer and a vampire kept apart by their own individual curses. How cruel were the Gods of fate yet at the same time how kind. How many people got to love like that in a lifetime. She looked away from them at her feet she could nolonger bear the sight of them clinging to each other as they slept. She turned quickly, alert as she heard clapping. Whistler strolled carelessly into the room clapping his hands at Angel and her sleeping form on the bed, "Ah the star-crossed lovers the best kind you know" he said turning to her with his usual grin. "Why is that?" she asked playing along with what she knew to be a dream. He shook his head strolling closer to bed, "It never has the chance to go sour,' he said distractedly 'it burns to bright and to quickly to ever be extinguished by change and resentment". 

"I would never resent him" she whispered. He turned to her again looking every bit the streetwise demon. "Oh sure you would, you'd resent his eternal youth. Hey you'd even resent your own mortality that would eventually tear you away from him. Don't you think it would've been easier if you'd never met?". She looked at him in utter horror,

"No. Even after all that's happened I would never wish that, never" Whistler nodded compassionately,

"But you know that he's going to have to leave though right. That's how it works, your times almost up." She fought back the tears as she realised what he was saying to her was true. Angel would leave, he'd want her to have a normal life, want her to move on. He would only see the pain, turn his back on his love. Damn him for being so sensitive, so sweet, damn him for his compassionate soul. She bit down on her lip hard shaking her head. She watched as he stirred pulling her unconscious form closer to him. She couldn't let him go, not like this. Whistler broke her from her reverie, "You know I was hoping you'd feel like that". She turned teary and confused eyes to him, 

"What?". 

"Interested huh,' he smiled almost sheepishly under her gaze 'you know I'm a romantic at heart, passes the time. What if I told you there was a way".

"Of course there's a way' she said 'I just won't let him go, I'll tie him down if I have to." He shook his head tutting, "you know better than that Buffy, destiny and all that, nothings chance its all part of the big plan."

"Please no riddles' she implored her slayer wit deserting her, 'why are you here?"

"I've been sent by the 'powers that be', you know you're pretty popular up their, primetime viewing in fact." 

"What do they want?" She asked as Whistler played distractedly with one of the candles at his feet he looked up at her smiling again, "You in a word' he didn't give her time to interrupt him as he continued to play with the flame, 'like I said they like you. Did you know that no slayer has ever lived to your age before. And in this day and age, that's quite impressive I can tell ya. They think you're the one"

"Yeah the chosen one" she interrupted sarcastically. He shook his head looking up at her.

"No the only one, see the whole slayer thing was like this cosmic audition if you like, the first to live, prove herself, gets the part.' He paused looking at her sleeping form and the tone in his voice became more serious, 'Angel was the last test, you did what you had to do despite your own feelings. Things like that don't go unnoticed, they matter in the grand scheme of things." She remembered the look on his face as she'd push the sword into him, it had been of shock but also of acceptance, there had still been love in his eyes as he was pulled from her. Still love even when faced with hell, the image would haunt her always.

"So why did they send you?" Her words brought them both from their thoughts. He rose from the floor moving towards her, "I'm here to help you decide". She was shocked and was to late in concealing it from her face. "Oh yeah' he said picking up on it 'They want to stay on your good side, they need you to be their tool down here. The choice is quite simply really it's a matter of yesterday or tomorrow. If you don't accept you become normal, another slayer is sent, you get a normal life, kids, job, the whole shebang. Behind door number two however we have the more tantalising option. You become. No more slayers just you. You must have noticed that the hell mouth is widening, it's getting stronger."

"But I don't have the strength, I can't..."

"Yeah that's the other bit, you gain your full power. The whole gig, stronger, immortal, keener senses, you'll wield their power when necessary, when 'the' time comes."

"Immortal!" she exclaimed. Whistler was immediately silent. 

"Yeah well that's the down side. Do you have the strength to watch you're friends die?" 

"I," she stumbled over her words panicking slightly

"Yeah. But it will be of old age, you'll have the power to see to that, protect them. At the moment you don't" she began to cry silently what could she do, she had to protect them but she didn't know if she could watch them grow old, disappear before her eyes. "I'll be alone" she whispered 

"Well that's were it gets interesting, they're willing to give you what you want most,' she looked up at him instantly he grinned, 'that's right break the rules, make your flame forever. Of course they can't make him human again. But they'd take away his demon and his curse," A smile played across Buffy's face and he continued satisfied. "He could have back the day, he could have you. You see you'd both be immortal, they'd leave him his supernatural strength. Do you see what they're offering you, they would change his destiny to keep you. Now you know that's no small thing". She pondered his words carefully looking at Angel as he lay peacefully on the bed. "And I would be able to protect them? What about the watcher's?" He waved his hand dismissingly

"They were just a tool, they have no control over you. You're answerable directly to them' he said pointing up wards, 'and yeah when you become you'll instinctively know what you're capable of, and from what I've heard it will be pretty much anything within means" She didn't hesitate she owed them this, owed them this guarantee. "What do I have to do?" He drew in his breath removing his hat as he stood before her. "See that's another thing. Steps like this, big steps, they don't come easy, sort of makes them all the more special see. Your human body, well its not strong enough to wield that kind of power, you'd have to die" he met her eyes as he said the last words.

" But, I don't understand" she said confused. He fiddled with his hat.

"It's alright, you'll look exactly the same. It's only mortal death. It would be just like shedding a skin, you'll become the real you. Of course you'll still look human. It's just the way it works. At the moment of death you'd split, walk out of your current shell and it'll just disappear. Human bodies weren't build to wield their power, they just can't take it." She looked at him with a wrinkled brow,

"But I'll still pass as human, exactly the same?"

"For sure" he nodded. Again he saw worry play across her face,

"Will it hurt?" she asked tentatively. He was all of a sudden struck by her youth, her innocence. He actually felt something. God he was a part of what they were doing, they knew she would never be able to live a normal life, she had no real choice. He sighed "yeah, but it won't take long, about forty eight hours and it'll be over. No one will even know and you can't tell them about it until after" She frowned at him. "Why not?" He shrugged,

"Who knows, I'm just the messenger here. But if you do you forfeit Angel. Hey so their a little twisted, what do you expect, I mean how the hell do you explain Pineapples and hail stones, who knows why they do things' he lowered his tone conspiratorially 'personal I think it's just for kicks, you know divine boredom or something" 

She nodded silently, distractedly, looking again at Angel in the bed. "Will I remember all this when I wake up"

"Clear as crystal"

"And Angel will change when?"

"The moment your last breath leaves you mortal body, they're good on their word" he said almost sadly now. She gave the final nod to him accepting his terms. She expected lightning or something spectacular like in the movies but all he did was nod in return and click his fingers. She could've laughed, the gesture sort of summed him up. But then she was on the waves again and they weren't dark anymore, they were full of light and colour gently reassuring her as they lulled her back into the void of sleep.

She woke to the gentle touch of his fingers on her skin, caressing her cheek delicately. She kept her eyes closed, she didn't want him to stop, didn't want him to move. She basked in his nearness, his strong body lying beside her, warmed by her. He continued to stroke her cheek, gazing at her sleeping form. As he bent to kiss her eyelids she could not help her intake of breath. She wanted him so much it hurt it physically hurt. She wanted to show him how much she loved him, wanted to share it with him and make everything all right. When he realised that she was awake he immediately stiffened and backed away. He shouldn't be here, he should have left already. Did he really think he could look upon her, be near to her like this and not be tempted. His body was screaming out to him, did he really think he could not love her. He growled unwillingly as she opened her eyes to gaze at him, moving back further from her. In her eyes he could see the hurt he was already causing, the longing. All he brought her was pain, all he ever did was take. Take her friends, take her body, her innocence. He couldn't take her heart as well, he couldn't. She deserved happiness, deserved to fall in love and grow old with a man. A man not a demon, not a shell of a person, of what once was. He got up from the bed, suddenly uncomfortable under her scrutiny. He couldn't take this. Why did she have to be so beautiful, so forgiving. He scolded himself. It wasn't her fault she was normal. He was the one, it was his curse not hers he would not watch her suffer for it. He paced restlessly he could do nothing now, he was trapped in the mansion until nightfall. Could he really do it, could he leave if he had to spend all day with her. He knew he had to be cruel to be kind but it was easier said than done. Perhaps he would have been better off in Hell. At least then he could live in the hope of her, in the happy memories instead of all this hurt. When he turned back to the bed she was already getting up somewhat hurriedly. She turned to him as she searched for her bag uncertainty playing in her eyes. "I have to go to school,' she said, 'they've already thrown me out once Synder's just looking for an excuse". She was torn, he stood quietly in the corner. She came to him forcing him to look at her "please" she said earnestly "don't shut me out. Promise me you'll be here when I get back." He wouldn't look at her avoiding the desperation in her eyes. "Please". He finally looked at her. How could he not, her eyes were watering with as yet unshed tears. He didn't want to make her cry again. If she did he would have to hold her, he wouldn't be able to stop himself, he feared if he did he would never let her go. Instead he forced indifference into his voice, "I can't go anywhere, not in the light", he felt his heart break as she accepted it as if she deserved no more than his scorn, he truly was a demon. She turned to leave grabbing her pack from the floor, she had no choice but to trust him to stay, she would get back before it was dark. As she moved to leave he grabbed her arm desperately, when she looked around at him his eyes were full of remorse, they seemed etched with years of regret and guilt. She knew what he was doing, she knew him to well. She reached out to him tracing her fingers along his lips. She felt him shiver from the touch, his grip on her arm loosening, she allowed her lips to follow where her fingers had been until his hand fell away from her arm completely as he closed his eyes lavishing in her touch. She broke away from him barely, whispering, "I'll be back soon". 

"Thank you" he said in a voice all to young for his years. She stared up into his eyes that had become deep pools in the intensity of the moment. "For what?" she asked.

"For being you,' he paused studying her face again, 'for making me feel loved". She almost wept watching him swallow the lump in his throat. She kissed him again lightly whispering "always" before slipping from the room and the mansion into to the light where he could not follow.

She had managed to grab a shower at home, arriving at school just in time for the first bell. She didn't feel any different. She remembered the dream vividly as Whistler had said she would but the magnitude of the decision that she had made as yet escaped her. She didn't know what to expect. How would it feel to be dying? To know that your life was slipping through your fingers like grains of sand. But she wasn't going to die, not really. She was going to become, "become" she repeated the word over to herself in her head. Could a person really change that much yet appear to the rest of the world exactly the same. Maybe she should've questioned him more, not been so trusting and quick to accept. But what he was offering, she could give him the day, give him the chance of happiness. How could she refuse that, deny him that, she owed him that much. And them, Willow, Xander, Giles, all of them she could protect them, keep them safe all their lives, even keep their children safe for them. At the thought she felt a lump rise in her throat as Whistler's words came back to her, "Do you have the strength to watch your friends die?" Did she. She couldn't begin to imagine her life without them, it would be so empty, so silent. She scoffed, but was the alternative, watch them die, watch them suffer and grow bitter at the life that she would deny them. She was doing the right thing, Giles wouldn't like it but he would know that it was what she had to do. She couldn't run from her destiny, she had already learnt of the folly in that, better to embrace it and reap whatever rewards she could. She jumped visibly as Willow came up to walk along side her in the hallway smiling warmly. "Hi". Buffy smiled in return 

"Hey Willow, where's Xander?" she asked brightly glad to put her thoughts aside, glad to forget them for the moment. The red head got a devilish look in her eyes as she replied, "Oh he's probably in a closet with Cordelia somewhere. They've got this new rotation system to avoid Principal Snyder". Buffy grinned back at her. "Well it's nice to see Xander applying himself to extra curricular activities". Willow nodded her agreement.

"It's just a shame he doesn't get any credit for it"

"Oh I'm sure he's getting highly rewarded for his efforts". Both girls were laughing as they entered the library drawing Giles' attention from whichever book he was looking at. "You're both in good spirits this morning" he observed. Willow gave him a glowing smile before dropping to a seat at the new table. "How's Angel?" he asked Buffy 

"He's fine', she lied ' his strengths coming back". Giles nodded enthusiastically.

"Good good. When he's feeling well enough I'd like to see him" Buffy frowned at this fidgeting slightly. "Giles do you really think that's a good idea. He's got all this guilt, he, he remembers everything". Giles was unperturbed by her response standing his ground

"Which is precisely why I want to see him, he's going to need help getting over this Buffy, more help than you alone can give him". Buffy was touched by his compassion and suddenly very afraid that she would ever have to lose him. She went to him hugging him ignoring his shock and embarrassment at her outburst. "Thank you" she said releasing him. He quickly removed his glasses fumbling in his pocket for a hanky to clean them with "he's a valuable ally' he said finally looking at her again 'and I would hope a friend". It was then that it happened. It wasn't that painfully really more of a discomfort in her chest, a heaviness, it passed almost as quickly as it had come leaving her wondering if it had been there at all. It was then that her imminent death became real to her, it hit her in the gut with enough force for her to slump into the chair. Willow, who had started to engage Giles on something relating to witchcraft turned to her, "are you all right?" The question pulled her back into reality and she answered with a distracted "yeah, I'm fine". She wasn't she was afraid and her fear built throughout the day as did the intensity of the attacks. They felt like someone was holding her heart in their hand twisting and squeezing it at their will. She hid it well from her friends fearing the inevitable questions. The worst attack occurred at the end of the day. Luckily her last class had been gym, she was alone in the changing rooms when the pain started, everyone else had left already. This one was longer than the others and by far the worst. It brought tears to her eyes and she curled into a protective ball as the pain ripped through her whole body making movement impossible. She must have blacked out for when she woke the room was blanketed in shadows where there had been the warmth of the Sun. Her limbs felt fragile like glass and she noticed an ugly purple bruise along her side where she had fallen to the hard linoleum floor. The bruise was a shock, a frailty that she would not have suffered from a few hours earlier. She got up dressing hurriedly wincing from the stiffness in her joints where she had laid to long on the cold floor. Her only thought was to get to the mansion and Angel.

When she arrived it was to an aching emptiness. He had been busy. It was emptier now than it had ever been in the last few weeks. He had removed all traces of himself, no opened books or clothing for her to treasure, to cling to. She smelt the remnants of a fire in the courtyard, no doubt their fate. He had exorcised himself from the house, even his presence had withdrawn, no longer haunting the long corridors. It was as though the very memory of him that she had felt within its walls so vividly had been erased. The sorrowful cold that invaded her belly quickly turned to hot anger that seared her insides. How could he? Did she mean that little to him? Her mind was immediately set. If this was how it had to be so be it, she would chain him down if she had to. He couldn't leave. Not yet. She wanted to be there when he stepped into the light, wanted to see him in the Sun just once, then he could do as he wished. She wouldn't make him stay, although it would break her heart again to watch him leave, as long as she knew he was alive, that would be enough. 

Finding him was not hard, there was only one route out of the small town after all. He was walking along the highway, head down, his body shrouded in the familiar black coat now covered in a thin layer of dust kicked up by the speeding cars. She clenched her hands at the sight of him, an unconscious attempt to protect her aching heart from the onslaught of emotions that the image of him threatened. She clung to her fury coming at him from behind pushing him enough to get his attention but not to cause him to fall. He turned to her not really surprised but sad. "So that's it, you just walk away, walk out of my life. Is it that simple for you? Did it mean that little?". Her voice shook with her anger and his response only increased her rage bringing anguished tears to her eyes and spilling down her cheeks, which she wiped at furiously with her hands. His head remained cast down at the floor as he stood before her, looking up at her through heavy lashes. She wasn't making any sense, her words evaded her in her fight to convey both her anger and her love. "Is it so easy for you to forget? Can't you even say goodbye? Do you despise me that much?" He shook his head, drawn from his silence by the force of her words that seemed to physically slap him in the face. "I could never despise you. I love you more every day. To much to condemn you"

"No" was all she could say, as his reasoning was spilled before her.

"You deserve so much, I want you to have so much" 

"I only want you, let me have you" She sobbed. He was unmoving in his resolve. 

"We can't". He turned from her to walk away again and this time when she struck out at him he did fall to the ground refusing to fight her back. "Don't you do that' she said furious now 'should I kill you again, would that make you happy. At least then you'd really have no heart instead of walking around pretending that you feel nothing. Should I kill us both? Come on Angelus if you hate me that much then hit me, kill me now. But don't walk away, don't make me walk around dead, not again.". As he rose from the floor tears stinging his tired eyes she flew at him again with none of her slayer skill but the fists of a desperate woman. He let her beat at his chest making no effort to counter her blows or fight back. When she stopped it was suddenly and with an anguished cry. She was backing away from him, her arms protectively encircling her body as if in pain. She stumbled turning from him so he could not see it on her face. He went to her for the first time holding her away from the dirty ground to which she threatened to fall. Her fists were fiercely clenched causing blood to drip from her palms. She was oblivious to him as she fought some desperate internal battle to remain in control, to remain conscious. He waited quietly just holding her waiting for the attack to pass concern playing across his face. As her shivering stilled he stroked her hair waiting for her to open her tightly shuteye's, now streaming with dark mascara tinged tears. "Buffy? What's wrong?" he asked finally. She shook her head with great effort fighting to rise to her feet which were of a different opinion forcing her to remain slumped and vulnerable in his arms. "I can't tell you' she said anguished, he studied her features seeing her inner turmoil there, 'please trust me I need you to stay just for a few days then you can leave if you want. I won't try to stop you I promise. I'm not the girl I was before, I don't expect you to forget I know we can't have what we used to but please a few days. Not this way" He softened under her pleading and his fear of what it was that she could not tell him. "Okay" was his simple reply as he lifted her to her feet and began to help her back into town.

On the way back into town she suffered another attack and had to lean on Angel for support, this time she was unable to fight back the infringing darkness and passed out. When she awoke she was in the library resting on the couch in Giles's office. She was still a bit woozy but she could hear Giles' and Angel talking in the other room. "And you have no idea what caused this?" asked Giles. Angel's voice sounded awkward as he answered. "No. She was upset before the first time but when it happened again she was fine." She heard Giles umming to himself the sound very clear through the open office door. She quietly rose to her feet wanting to regain a bit of her strength before she faced them. She stood still at the doorframe clinging to it for support as Angel began to speak again in a uncertain tone. "I know it's not enough but I just, I, I'm sorry Giles. I tried to stop it but I… I don't expect your forgiveness". Giles interrupted him.

"I know it wasn't your fault. You saved our lives to many times to count for me to be able to believe that you would do that. I don't blame you, I never blamed you. And I don't think Jenny would either". She watched Angel nod smiling tentatively at the man who though looked older was hundreds of years his junior. It was then that they both seemed to sense her watching and turned to her as she ventured further into the room on shaky legs trying her hardest to look like she was okay. She smiled warmly at them reaching to squeeze Giles' hand in thanks. "Hey" she said. They both looked at her seriously concern and disapproval on both their faces, it was in these looks that they displayed their true ages, both the concerned look of elders, a parent and a lover. She felt guilt that she could not share her burden with them. It took all her resolve to do so, she was so used to telling them everything, relying on them for guidance and support. She drew in a deep breath avoiding their eyes anticipating the forthcoming lecture. It was as she expected Giles who began. "How are you feeling?" with Angel jumping in before she could answer,

"You really scared me" she turned to him touched by his honest and his feeling. 

"I'm fine, it was nothing" she said flippantly moving to take a seat at the table before she fell down and blew her whole argument apart before she had even begun. They both followed her with their eyes. "What happened" Giles asked. She went to answer him,

"I…" but found herself unable to complete the sentence, she didn't have the strength to concoct a lie for him and so said nothing instead. "Buffy?" Angel prompted, they were both attacking her silently with their eyes, tearing at her dissipating strength. "You look terrible. You can barely walk," said Giles.

"Gee thanks that's just what a girl needs to hear Giles," she said in an attempt to lighten the mood and distract them. Needless to say it failed miserably. She watched them watching her, saw the fear hidden in their eyes, their determination to help her. "Are you in some kind of trouble? If you tell us we can help you." Giles implored. She shook her head tiredly. 

"No. I, I can't tell you. I want to so much but I can't. If only you knew what I'd be throwing away if I did. Please trust me just till tomorrow night okay, can you do that for me that's all the help I need" She bit her lower lip as they continued to study her, fearful of cracking under their scrutiny. They were disturbed by the sound of laughing down the corridor, it was of course Willow and the gang, who else would be in school at this time of night. She looked to Angel and Giles urgently, "Don't say anything" she pleaded. They were in the library before she could get their assurance. "Hey why the sombre looks?' Xander asked as he flew through the door with his usual energy 'yo dead boy. Bet it's nice to be back. How were things down under?" to Buffy's relief this tore their eyes away from her. Before Angel could respond to the familiar insult Willow drew their attention back to Buffy to her horror, "Buffy what's wrong you look awful" Cordelia followed this up with a screech of disgust at the sight of Buffy's tired frame "Wow night of the living dead". Buffy couldn't help but smile. 

"Thanks Cordy". Giles started to speak in explanation, "Buffy.." but Buffy cut him off with a sharp look saying "I'm just coming down with a cold I think nothing serious, all work and no play or something" 

"Ew well don't come near me then I've gotta look good for the game of Friday" said Cordelia

"Gee aren't we miss compassion today" Xander replied and was immediately rewarded with a sharp jab in the ribs and a snide, "yeah but you love it" to which he had to nod in agreement. Buffy took this opportunity to make her escape. "Well as much as I'd love to stay and chat guys I'm gonna go home and sleep it off"

"I'll walk you" Angel said coming around the table to offer his arm as support, an action which tugged at her heart. "Okay" was her only response but her eyes spoke volumes in gratitude. She breathed a sigh of relief to escape the confines of the library, secure in the support of his arm. Her security was outlived however when he stopped at a pay phone down the hall. She looked at him puzzled before he explained himself quite shyly but firmly, an aspect of the old Angel that she knew and loved passing through his features and his tone. "I want you to call your Mum, tell her you're staying at Willow's". She started to protest but he cut her short. "It's Saturday tomorrow, she won't mind. I want you were I can keep an eye on you". She was touched but wary. She didn't want him to see her like this, see her pain, but she was afraid to be alone. She did not know how to face this and it was her fear that won out, that and the comfort that she found in his presence. She picked up the receiver dialling and speaking briefly to her mother. It was only when she hung up that she realised that she would need to go home for clothes. Amazingly enough Angel read this in her features answering her before she could pose the question. "All the clothes and things you'll need are already at the mansion". Her surprised reply was,

"What? How?". His smile was coated in irony as he answered her,

"When the demon took my body the love for you was still there' he avoided her eyes 'he showed it differently though, through his obsession, his cruelty and anger towards you that you could make him feel. He surrounded himself with you". She was shocked at this, she had not known that a demon was capable of love and yet it made sense. Explained the goading and the torture that she had suffered at his hands explained why he let her live. She placed her hand on his chest were his heart should be causing him to look at her. Their eyes held for what seemed like an eternity. "I could always see you deep in his eyes and I couldn't" she said.

"I wanted you to, I didn't want to watch you suffer at his hands. I called out for you to kill him but you couldn't hear me. That was my Hell"

"I didn't know, I'm sorry"

"Would you have if you had known?" she paused considering his question before answering honestly.

"I don't know. Would you have killed me if the roles were reversed?' she paused 'I think I would have tried harder. I'm sorry I didn't try harder, hold onto you so hard that even fate couldn't pull you away". He placed his hand over hers comfortingly, "You can't fight fate, we're not meant to be". She shook her head biting her tongue, pulling him towards the doors before she said what she could not. "But I can try" she whispered as they left the building side by side.

********************

When they returned to the mansion he reluctantly let her out of his site so that she could shower in a vain attempt to clean away the exhaustion of the day. Maybe even wash the pain away, she knew it was futile but the warm water comforted her, allowed her to forget for just a moment. She had been tempted to ask him to join her but had lacked the strength to bear his rejection for the second time in one day. He had come back but only after he had seen her pain, guilt held him to her but not the love that she so craved. When she had finished her shower she wrapped herself in a large white towel which despite its freshness still smelt of him. She dried herself lazily wallowing in the scent of him denying herself nothing as her mind wandered over the times they had spent together no matter how brief. She was alive in his touch and no where else it seemed. She had never known that feeling before, never loved that deeply. Sure she'd had boyfriends but nothing like Angel, with him she felt whole, felt herself. She laughed at the cliché of her thoughts, at the absurdity of the notion, but it didn't make it any less true to her. She was a hopeless case she knew it but it was already out of her hands, Whistler had said it 'star-crossed lover's' the worst kind. The pain was the necessary price to pay for the chance to know a love that pure. Should she have been more cautious in her decision to serve these 'powers that be' that could be so cruel, that took such pleasure in suffering. Was it just a game to them an entertainment. Surely not, she couldn't believe that she had to have faith, had to believe that they knew what they were doing. If not what hope was there. She told herself that by tonight everything would be fine, she would have given Angel the most precious gift, thanked him for the love that he'd shared with her. But doubt harboured at the back of her mind teasing her consciousness. How could she trust something that she couldn't see, couldn't touch. If they were just playing with her she'd know all to soon. She shook the thoughts from her head. She would not dwell on what she could nolonger control, better to enjoy the time she had left. She dressed in one of his t-shirts that she found in the closet, the garment fell to her knees looking more like a dress. She went in search of him finding him in the main hall, despite the warmth of the July night he had lit a fire, which cast wonderful shadows about the large room making it at once cosy and safe. She shivered as she watched his unmoving form gazing at the flickering flames. She wanted so much for him to be happy. She was shocked to see silent tears falling down his cheeks, glistening in the light of the fire. She went to him wrapping her arms around his neck from behind him kissing away the tears that continued to fall. He made no protest pulling her round and into his lap and the expanse of the old leather chair. They held each other like that for a long time comforting each other silently. "Why don't you hate me?" he finally asked staring into her face that lay half in shadow and half in the flickering light of the fire. 

"For the same reasons you don't hate me" she said gently stroking his cheek. He sighed deeply. 

"But I've hurt you so much"

"No,' she said as she continued to stroke his cheek her fingers passing lightly over his lips 'I feel blessed that I was allowed to know you. You're the best thing about my life. I wouldn't change that for anything". He was touched by her words, consoled by them.

"But I can't give you what you want, what you deserve" she put her fingers over his lips again silencing him, "All I want is you, nothing else matters to me. When I'm not with you I…." he cut her off as she had him, "I know' he said in a barely audible whisper 'I know" 

Whistler hovered silently in the shadows that played across the hall, watching the touching scene playing out before him with a mixture of guilt and compassion. He had known when he had offered him the choice all those years ago in that dumpster what would happen. He had been helpless then just as she had been when he had offered her a similar choice. He would have perished soon from lack of blood if he had not ended it himself first by lying under the burning rays of the Sun. They had chosen their own paths, secured their own fates yet still he felt responsible for the pain that he had knowingly cast upon them. What choice had he really given them? Their path had already been decided long ago, maybe this time would be different he told himself planting the seed of hope in the chance that it may live to flower. This time would be different, they were so much stronger so much wiser than before. He had to believe that it would be different, that there would finally be a happy ending. Could he really go through it all again? Did he really have a choice; he was bound to them as they were bound to each other. Bound to meet lifetime after lifetime, bound to fight the same terrible battle. Doomed to love and lose. He wanted this to be the happy ending, he'd seen to much tragedy. He couldn't watch them die and have to begin again. It would not be long now. He could feel it approaching seeping into the very shadows, adding a new layer to the darkness. He would know soon enough, they would know soon enough. In their last breath they would be burdened with memory. Burdened with either the knowledge that they had to begin again of the joy that they had succeeded. He prayed that it was the latter for all their sakes. Though who he prayed to he didn't know. He was struck by the humanity of the gesture, a trait he thought he had lost long ago. It was good that they remembered nothing yet, that they could have this time together before the full force of their destiny reared itself. He wanted them to have peace. Maybe then he could get some time off for good behaviour. He found it hard at times to distinguish whose curse was the greatest his or theirs, he supposed they all suffered in their own ways, but at least they had each other. Geez, he really should get out more, he was becoming a drip in his old age, a poor excuse for a demon, pinning after mortal love. His self-mockery did nothing to ease the aching in his chest as he sunk away into the shadows leaving them to each other and the gentle lull of a dreamless sleep. 

********************

She cursed herself for her weakness. She slept away half the day, half the time she could have spent with him. It would be dark soon, all too soon. She hadn't felt any pain in a while. She looked at him beneath her on the chair. They had not moved from this spot since early that morning. He must have been exhausted to sleep all day like that. She fretted over all that he had gone through and the effects that it must have had on him, effects that he had hidden from her. She shifted herself carefully in his lap, trying not to wake him as she got up. She needed to get dressed and have something to eat. She wanted to be prepared for what ever happen, whatever came. As she tiptoed up the large stairwell she felt strangely calm, calmer than she had felt in a long time. Perhaps that was the wrong word, content, she felt contentment, or had in the simplicity of sleeping next to him, in his arms. He had held her and there had been nothing else but him. She smiled warmly hurrying to dress so that she could return to him. He had left the heavy velvet curtains in the bedroom open for her, inviting a part of her world into his. But the light outside the window was fading now, making way for the purples and blues of the night. She hovered by the window gazing out at the impending blackness in which she spent such a large portion of her life. She pulled the shades across harshly, trying to hold back the inevitable night and the changes that it would bring. The act itself seemed to cause an invisible and sourceless retaliation that began in her hands, spreading throughout her limbs. It felt as if thousands of tiny knives were clawing at her from the inside, fighting to break free of the flesh. The spasm passed quickly leaving her shaken at the intensity and a vibrating tingling sensation in her skin. She turned from the window, finished dressing and pinned her hair up high on her head before rushing back down stairs.

He awoke to find her gone. His arms empty of her warmth. He immediately panicked. Where was she? Was she hurt, what if she needed him, was she calling to him and he couldn't hear. He jumped from the chair turning desperately as he looked around the hall for her. His eyes searching for a glimpse of her golden hair. He was greeted only by the creeping shadows. He walked towards the door intending to search upstairs calling her name as he went. He froze when he got a response, a response that he wasn't expecting from a presence he hadn't known was there. "She's alright she just went to get dressed". He swung around fast almost losing his footing. His eyes sweeping the many shadows of the hall as he searched for the voice's owner. Whistler stepped forth from the shadows, absently flicking a quarter as he strode to the centre of the room. Angel relaxed slightly once he realised who it was before his eyes hardened again in suspicion. "What are you doing here?" he asked his mistrust evident in his tone. Whistler feigned hurt "Angel I thought we were friends, Aren't you glad to see me?" Angel frowned at him growing impatient and again distracted by the need to find Buffy. "You know you're a very lucky man Angel. She's quite a girl. She really cares about you" he continued unconcerned by Angel's seeming distraction. Angel snapped back to attention at this asking, "what do you know about it?" Whistler looked up at him for the first time looking him directly in the eyes as he replied seriously and sadly, "More than you'd think…. More than I care to' he stopped suddenly cocking his head to the side, 'phone" he said taking a step back into the shadows. The shrill call of the phone resounded around the hall as he sank further back into the shadows. Angel was forced to turn from him to answer it. When he turned back round again Whistler had completely disappeared. "Yes" he said half-heartedly into the receiver in response to the worried calls of Giles. "Angel, I'm sorry to call and disturb but…" Giles stumbled across the right words, clearly worried about something. "It's all right Giles" Angel reassured him. 

"I wouldn't call if it weren't important. There's trouble. I'm afraid we need her". Angel paused pondering the other mans words or more importantly his tone, it was what he didn't say that worried him. He knew that the slayer was in some kind of trouble, weak, but he had still called. Angel felt a knot forming in his stomach. "We're on our way," he said steadily into the handset before hanging up. He didn't need to hear Giles reply to know what he had said, he had become very familiar with the English mannerisms, they comforted him in a strange way, reminded him of his mortal life. He could hear her coming down the stairs now. He took one last look around the hall as an after thought searching for Whistler, who had characteristically disappeared, before meeting her in the hallway. 

They travelled to the library via the mass of underground tunnels that riddled the town. The Sun was already beginning to set but there was still too much light for him to safely travel above ground. Buffy was very quiet as they made their way towards the library. She said nothing about the night before, just silently held his hand, a reassurance to him that she had meant what she said despite the doubt that still niggled at him. She had had no more attacks, either that or she was hiding them well. He feared the latter, he didn't know what he would do if he lost her, he didn't even want to contemplate it. He would die himself first before he would allow that to happen. He gave her hand an affectionate squeeze, he would see her through this and then they would see were they all landed.

****

Part 3

They arrived at the library to find the gang already immersed in countless old books as they prepared for the most recent evil to attack their lives. As they entered from behind the stacks Willow immediately jumped up brightly, "Hey Buffy how are you feeling?"

"Better thanks. I hear there's a new bad guy in town whose butt needs kicking." Angel was amazed at the brightness that she was able to muster around them. She sounded just like her old self, happy and carefree, you would never know the state she had been in the previous evening. He again found himself marvelling at her strength of character. Giles looked up from the book he had been pouring over coming around the check out desk to the table with it cradled awkwardly in his arms. "I'm not sure it will be as simple as that", he said placing the book on the table to reveal a picture of a rather ugly looking vampire. "Wow, is he in need of a facial" Cordelia said as they all looked at the picture. "Umm quite, his name's Igor". Giles continued, 

"Sounds painful," said Xander before being silenced by a disapproving glance from Willow, he gave her his innocent 'what I do' look before Giles continued with his tale. "He's the Master's mortal brother, older in life but younger in vampiric years". 

"The Master has a brother? How come we never heard of him?' Willow asked worriedly, 'Angel you must of heard of him right?". Angel shook his head at her looking at Giles as he answered,

"The name rings a bell but I couldn't tell you anything about him"

"Yes that seems to be the case all round I'm afraid. There is very little written about him. Apparently he cast a spell upon himself very early on to protect himself from any permanent records or long term memory. He obviously learnt from his brother's mistakes. Anyway, he was a religious leader for a while shortly after he was made. That's where he differs from his brother"

"I don't get it, if he's religious than why is he a threat?" Buffy asked frowning at Giles.

"He believes that the hell mouth is the path to the divine. Salvation. He believes that he is the messiah sent to lead the world back to God, a dark God. In his eyes Buffy you're the anti-Christ."

"Oh great that's all we need a deluded vampire in Sunnydale. Their mad enough when their sane', she quipped plopping herself done in one of the chairs around the large table. 'What's he been up to?" she asked. Giles removed his glasses at this rubbing the familiar spot on his nose. "Nothing as yet it would seem". The gang frowned at him in response. 

"So how do you know he's here?" asked Willow. Giles continued to rub his nose out of tiredness, he had been at it all day and was beginning to feel the worst for ware. "It's in the silence. I'm sure you must have felt it, there's a stillness in the air, like a huge curtain has been drawn to hide something. There have been no attacks for a couple of days and Buffy, when was the last time you had a portent?" Buffy frowned at him as she thought, 

"Not for a while" she replied.

"Exactly' said Giles replacing his glasses, 'that's what makes him so dangerous you don't see him coming until it's too late. There have been a few signs of course the usually apocalyptic stuff but nothing profound. He's cleverer than his brother."

"Okay so we research, we plan, we kill" Xander said eyes darting around the group for reassurance until they came to rest on Willow who willing jumped in. "Sure. I mean we killed the master and he's younger than him it shouldn't be to hard right Buffy"

"Giles?" Buffy implored.

"Killing him is not the hardest part it's finding him, staying a step ahead. The spell makes that hard. As soon as you get to close you begin to forget." He replied distractedly.

"Well that's not playing fair" Xander retorted in disgust.

"Isn't there a way to reverse the spell or something, make it useless" Cordelia asked looking from Willow to Giles. Willow immediately brighten at the suggestion. "I could look though my books, I'm sure there's one in there." Giles pondered this for a moment while Willow looked at him expectantly. "That may be the best course of action' he finally said 'do you think you could do it Willow". Willow made a grunting noise in the back of her throat proudly. "Hey if I can restore a soul with a concussion this will be a piece of cake". 

"Very good' Giles replied suppressing his proud smile, 'just be careful"

"So I was right" Cordelia chipped in.

"It would appear so" Giles replied reluctantly.

"Oh yea" she yelped in pride that was quickly cut off by a sharp retort from Xander,

"Well you know there's a first time for everything", which earned him a dig in the ribs, causing Buffy to smile. "What can I do?" she asked Giles. He turned to her with worried eyes. 

"Do you feel up to patrolling?" 

"Of course" she replied all to quickly, his eyes bore into her silently questioning. Rather than answer she rose from her seat and began to gather the stakes that she would need from the cage. Giles turned his gaze on Angel who read his concern "I'll go with her" he said to which Giles nodded feeling slightly more at ease.

She didn't say a word as she left the library with him following closely behind her. The town was deserted, blanketed in an eerie silence. She marvelled that she hadn't noticed it before, although she had been a little distracted in the last few days. She could feel him behind her, his closeness made the hairs on the back of her neck stand on end and caused goose bumps to rise. It was amazing the effect that just being near him could have on her. She wondered if he really knew the power he had over her, how much she really did love him. She glanced at her watch. The hours were slowly ticking away, setting the pace of an ominous death march. She so needed time right know, she needed to be strong to rid the town of this latest threat. God it was just her luck that Igor should chose now to come out to play. She clenched her fists tight at the pain that was ever present. She was managing to control herself but every time she started to get used to it it increased a tiny bit renewing her agony. She didn't know how long she could keep them fooled. She knew it was stupid to lie to Giles, she was not at full strength, but she would not have them fighting in her place, she did not want their deaths on her conscience. She would get through this it wasn't long now. 

Angel watched her carefully noticing her whole body tense and her hands clench. He didn't know what to do, she was making him feel helpless and he hated that, hated that she was shutting him out. As he watched her struggle until she seemed to regain control without missing a step he was seized with an overwhelming need to protect her. He grabbed her arm from behind swinging her around to face him, her face looked drawn and tired. "You have to tell me please, let me help you. I can't, I hate seeing you like this" he held her by the shoulders secure before him so she could not turn away, could not hide her eyes that were an open book to her heart. What he saw there scared him in that he couldn't understand it, or didn't want to. He pulled her to him exasperated by her silence. "I will not let anything happen to you, you hear." She nodded mutely into his chest before they were both violently torn apart by a large gang of vampires. She stumbled awkwardly before quickly regaining her balance and assuming a familiar defensive stance. They were heavily outnumbered six to one. The vampires circled enjoying the advantage before pouncing. They would have had a chance, Angel was strong enough they could of fought them off. Three had already met the sharp end of her stake when the pain decided to reinstate its presence leaving her gasping as she fought to fill her lungs to maintain a body that seemed determined to destroy her. The vampires took the opportunity to grab her as she descended once again into the lulling darkness. She heard Angel shout her name before there was nothing but silence. The older looking vampire of the group that held the unconscious form of the slayer laughed. "Don't worry Angelus we won't kill her yet. The messiah has greater plans for her, she is the path to our salvation." He laughed again as the remaining vampires moved in to finish him off with a blow to the head that knocked him out cold, allowing them to disappear into the night unseen.

*********************

"I've got it', Willow said jumping up excitedly from her chair, 'look Giles, it's so simple. I've got all the herbs and stuff that we need". She grinned at him proudly. 

"Do you need to go home and get supplies" he asked her maintaining his librarians calmness. She immediately started rummaging in her bag, "Um, I don't think so, I brought everything I had when I went to get the books, I figured it would save time later"

"Very good" he replied with a smile getting up from his seat. 

"Wow Will' said Xander, 'you're getting to be a real pro at this. Should I be worried about upsetting you from now on?" She smiled at him good naturedly,

"I'm purely a white witch Xander" she replied,

"Yeah but you could do the warts stuff if you wanted right" she grinned at him mischievously in response. "Cool" he said nodding his head approvingly, you could literally see the wheels turning. Giles raised an eyebrow disapprovingly at Xander as he looked over the spell that Willow was proposing finding it satisfactory. He looked up from the book at the sudden cease of Xander's chattering. They were all looking worriedly at the door behind him Willow already on her feet and headed towards it. He turned to see Angel stumbling towards them a large bloody cut on his face that was already beginning to heal slowly before their eyes. Giles joined Willow in helping him to the table asking him "what happened, where's Buffy?" 

"We were ambushed' he said with a grunt as he slumped to a chair cradling his ribs in his arms. 'There we're twelve of them". 

"But she's fought more than that before, where is she?" Xander asked desperately. 

"They took her' Angel said looking pointedly at Giles, 'I couldn't stop them there were to many"

"She had another attack didn't she" Giles said darkly. Angel nodded mutely bowing his head. 

"What attacks, what's going on" Willow demanded uncharacteristically hands on hips as she looked from one to the other. "We don't know she wouldn't say" Giles said. 

"Why didn't you tell us?" Xander asked hurt. 

"She didn't want us to say, we had to respect her wishes.' Giles began to pace, 'God I should never have let her go. I should have known she was hiding it"

"It's not your fault, she's stubborn to a fault. It's a virtue and a curse" They all turned to see Whistler standing in the doorway leaning against the frame. "You again' Angel said with a growl, 'what do you want?". 

"Hey I'm on your side" Whistler said holding his hands up. 

"What do you mean again?" Giles asked as he stopped pacing.

"He was at the mansion earlier when you rang" Angel explained continuing to cradle his ribs. Whistler walked further into the room followed by five pairs of eyes. "Well this is a fine mess isn't it. Now we're all screwed. She only had a few hours to go, and she was doing so well. I didn't think she be able to do it, keep it quiet. I guess I underestimated her."

"What are you talking about? What did you do to her?" Giles demanded forcefully causing Whistler to look up at him and smile sadly. "She's lucky to have you all." Giles stepped towards him menacingly repeating the question. "I didn't do anything' Whistler said holding his ground 'I'm just the messenger, she made the choice". Willow frowned finding her voice asking weakly the inevitable question,

"What choice?" he looked at her and again the sadness played across his features. 

"I only do what they tell me, I don't always like it but it's necessary. She made her decision.' Their eyes implored him to continue. 'She had to choose. She's the one, she survived, she is the true slayer. Of course she had no choice really but to become, it was either that or go back to being normal and weak, incapable of protecting you. They can be cruel sometimes."

"Is that why she's sick?" Willow asked again. Whistler nodded meekly.

"She's dying. To become she has to, the power's too much for a mortal body she has to become immortal". Angel interrupted him raising his head.

"She would never do that, she knows immortalities a curse not a gift" Whistler laughed but there was no joy in it. "Oh they're not stupid. You give the right incentive and anything's possible. Sure she did it to keep them safe, but watching them grow old and die, that's not real appealing. She did it for you in the end, the final nail in her coffin.' Angel frowned at him not understanding his words 'they offered to take you're demon away. Take the blood lust but leave you its strength and immortality. She wanted to give you the day, happiness, whatever" Angel slammed his fist on the table in anger.

"How could they do that to her?" he said to himself more than anyone else.

"It's important, they need her at whatever cost. She's the only one that can hold it all together, she dies it all goes to hell. And we begin again"

"But immortal?" Giles questioned. Whistler turned to him.

"Yeah but not if he kills her before the change. You just need to keep her alive till then". This seemed to wake Willow once more from her thoughts creating a spark of activity. "Then lets get started with the spell, Giles I need you're help. We're not going to lose her". The little red heads words brought the group back to earth and their task, however Angel still remained unmoving. Whistler placed his hand on the vampires shoulder squeezing gently. "She chose you a long time ago this is what she wants."

"Then why didn't she tell me?" he asked his voice low and barely a whisper. Whistler sighed, 

"It's one of their rules, if she said anything she would lose you. You should know better than anyone what they're capable of. They don't mean to be cruel but they have to be sure. She's stronger than any of the others, she'll make it through this and you'll both have some happiness. Trust me. She needs you to be strong for her now. Even more afterwards".

*********************

She woke slowly to feelings of discomfort. She ached all over. As she tried to shift her weight she found that she couldn't move any of her limbs. She struggled to focus in the dim light. As her sight cleared she looked about as much as she could to find herself in an old church. There was a hole in the roof and the pews were rotting away were they stood. The altar however was a different story. It was clean and decorated by candles. It was the black and inverted cross however that caught her attention. It was surprisingly chilling to see such a holy symbol so deformed and defiled yet still treasured. She already knew where she was as the conversations from earlier in the library came back to her. She pulled at her arms testing her restraints. There were strong chains holding her in place, maybe in other circumstances she would have stood a chance but in her weakened state she was incapable of breaking them. She fumed in annoyance at the timing, she didn't take to captivity well. The church was apparently empty giving her the opportunity to take stock of her surroundings. She was suspended a few feet above the altar on what appeared to be a cross. This one was not inverted but black none the less. She could feel it cold and dirty against her skin. It felt almost alive, like a snake. It was definitely not sanctified, it practically screamed of evil. She tried not to think about it. While she had been unconscious someone had changed her clothes to her disgust. She found her self in a long red dress. Beautiful with a plunging neck line and back but disturbing none the less. Why go to the trouble, she felt uneasy at the spectacle that they were creating off her. Come on guys she pleaded find me. She had no idea what time it was or how much longer she had left. She tried to call out to Angel with her mind in desperation hoping that their supposed link was strong enough. Hey they were on a hell mouth anything was possible.

*********************

"Did it work?" Xander asked having a huge feeling of de ja vou. 

"I think so" Willow answered frowning.

"So what do we do know. I mean we're still no closer to finding her," Cordelia said. Willow chewed her lower lip before turning to Giles and Angel who had been pouring through the oldest books trying to find any clue to Igor's past behaviour. "Well' Giles said after a long pause, 'from what little I've read he seems to be fond of churches. That's were his previous attempts have occurred."

"But wouldn't he change his pattern or something if he's supposed to be so smart?" Cordelia asked encouraged by her earlier success. It was surprisingly Whistler who answered her, he had remained quiet just observing for a long time saying nothing until now. "No he thinks he's safe. He's over confidant, a trait he shares with his brother. You'll find him in a church" 

"You know where she is don't you?" Angel said quietly closing the book in front of him. Whistler turned to him not at all surprised by his words. "You know the rules Angel. We're all just puppets here. I'm not allowed to get involved I've already said too much. It's all hanging in the balance. I say something and it tips the scale in their favour. It's not my place.". Willow had already moved to the computer as they had been talking listening half-heartedly to the confrontation. She didn't really get what Whistler was saying but she respected that he was helping them as much as he could. He hadn't had to come and tell them about Buffy but he had. Maybe she was to trusting but at the moment it didn't matter all that mattered was getting the slayer back in one piece. "Okay' she said breaking the uncomfortable silence that had begun settle, all this fate talk was making them feel ineffectual and that wasn't productive. 'We all know there are quite a few churches in Sunnydale with the whole hell mouth gig and all but I've narrowed the search parameters with what we know about his previous patterns and….' She hit a button on the keyboard studying the screen closely aware of their eyes on her 'bingo. There are only two possibilities and we burnt one of those down last year with the Spike and Drusilla thing, so ladies and gentlemen we have a winner". She beamed eagerly. They had all been sitting around helplessly for too long finally they could do something. It had only been an hour or so but it felt like a lifetime. Giles grabbed the big bag of supplies that he had already packed in preparation and headed out the door on Angel's heels closely followed by the others.

She hung there for what seemed like hours waiting for something to happen. She was rewarded at last by noises coming from somewhere behind her to her left. She struggled to turn her head so that she could see who it was but her bounds and the position of the cross-made it impossible. She bit her lip in frustration. The noises became more muted like that of fabric, she could only guess that the earlier banging had been from a trap door of some kind, they had to have come from beneath the church as the front doors had remained motionless for some time. She was sure she had been alone in the church up until now which left no other possibility. She waited listening to the small noises that they made. Eventually they began to move the sounds becoming louder and more distinguishable as they moved closer to her until they passed beneath her out into the pews. She was surprised to see them cloaked in heavy robes, the hoods pulled up to hide their faces, the only reason she knew them to be vampires was from the lack of breathing noises and the faint aroma of blood that flowed from them. She twisted once more in her restraints testing them for the hundredth time finding them still just as tight and unbreakable. She could feel the skin of her wrists and ankles burning from her efforts as the metal chaffed her skin. The vampires lined up in front of her like loyal churchgoers quietly awaiting their priest, she shivered despite herself at the image. She had never known vampires to be so still and patient. She could handle the insults and the open aggression but their silence chilled her, making her extra wary. There were twelve of them all together standing there their heads bowed their arms folded, they hadn't even looked at her. It was when they began to chant however that she really began to freak the sound harsh and assaulting her ears like thousands of knats. Her immediate instinct was to cover her ears but the bonds prevented her from doing that forcing her to listen to the words that she could not understand. She felt her head begin to swim with them as they were repeated over and over. She balled her hands into fists at last throwing every insult she knew and some that she didn't at them in an attempt to distract and provoke them anything to stop the chanting. 

Her head felt like it was about to implode and her voice was growing hoarse when the chanting suddenly stopped as quickly as it had started leaving a ringing silence in the air. She opened her eyes that she had shut against the assault to see that another vampire had entered the church standing a few feet before the others in a robe of deep blue that seemed to move and swirl around him with a life of its own. He was looking at her with eyes the same colour as the blue of his cloak, so dark that they appeared almost black, an extension of the deep pupils that burnt with a maniacal light. "Such foul words from such a beauty' he said his voice high and carrying into every corner of the church it seemed in the practised manner of a preacher, 'and so it always is. Beauty sent to lead astray, distract man from the path, and steal from him his right to salvation. But not this time, this time we are onto you girl you will not take from us what we rightly deserve." 

"You deserve to die slowly,' she spat at him 'oh but your all ready dead, already rejected from your so called salvation. Oh well life's a bitch and then there's me" she said darkly infusing her words with as much menace as she could considering her current predicament. He laughed loudly the sound ringing and shaking threatening the tiny flames of the candles on the altar. She fumed silently. "See my faithful disciples how she spits and claws like a cat caught in a cage, still trying to rock our faith in that which is rightfully ours. I will enjoy watching you die girl, you blood will wash over and through me lighting the way." He preached at her waving his arms about graphically. "My names Buffy okay. And you know if you really want to go to hell I'd be more than happy to oblige you, just cut me down and we'll have some fun". He just glared at her a smile playing across his mouth as he held her eyes, boring into her. He raised his hand in a small gesture that caused one vampire from either end of the line to break away taking steps towards her and around behind her line of sight. She broke eye contact to follow them for as long as she could before she had to rely on her other senses for information. Her whole body tensed as she felt the cross on which she was suspended begin to move unsteadily from its place high above the altar. She was lowered shakily down until the bottom of the cross lightly brushed the floor, she could hear them retying the ropes before they moves back around to retake their places in the line. She swallowed hide, trying to swallow her fear at a loss for insults now that she was within reach and still bound. Igor step towards her immediately warranting her attention, his hand shot out fast with the same characteristic speed and playfulness of his brother. "I'd like to congratulate you on killing my brother' he said his hand hovering inches from her face, caressing the air around it, 'you saved me the trouble, he was a fool and beginning to interfere with my plans"

"I aim to please. It's just a shame I won't be there for the happy reunion but hey I can live with that". He smiled at her once more slowly, considering her face as his hand drew closer to it, "I admire your spirit girl. If things had been different I would perhaps have given you the dark gift." He said thoughtfully his hand stroking her cheek. She fought not to turn her head away and give him the satisfaction of seeing her fear. Her skin crawled screaming at her under his touch. "I'd rather die" she replied softly. This seemed to jar him from his thoughts and he brought his hand away from her face to her relief, "don't worry you will, but not yet" he said menacingly. Before she could say anymore he drew a blade that had been concealed in his robes, it was beautiful, encrusted with jewels and gold, something to be treasured. She had no time to say anything, to stop him before he had slashed it across her wrists where they were bound. His face only inches from hers he hissed at her like a snake, "the blood is the life" his forked tongue flicking out of his mouth to lick the side of her face making her stomach heave before he turned to his disciples laughing. "And so it begins". The laughter suddenly cut off as the doors to the church flew openly with a loud bang and a huge gust of dark smoke that engulfed the church.

They could hear Igor from outside the huge dark building that no longer represented a place of sanctuary and light. His laughter was dark and tinged with a frightening madness that rose the hairs on the back of her neck. Willow looked around the group, they each stood ready with their weapons an assortment of stakes, axes, and crossbows. They each carried holy water and wore crosses around their necks as they waited. She tried to concentrate on what she was doing but her mind kept drifting to thoughts of Buffy and all that rested on this battle. She had not thought of the spell until they had arrived at the church. She mixed the herbs quickly with Giles help making do as best she could with what little time and equipment she had chanting the necessary incantations. Xander's voice broke the silence as he jumped up and down in an effort to convey the urgency of what he was saying with out raising his voice. "Willow hurry he's cut her wrists". Willow moved even faster casting a worried look at Giles and then at Angel who had already vamped out as he fought to hold himself back. She gathered the powder into a small vile with shaking hands, rising quickly to her feet. When she gave Giles a nod swallowing the lump in her throat he and Angel swung the two doors open with all of there force giving her the entrance that she needed and hopefully distracting the vampires from Buffy. She raised her hands high above her head uttering the final incantation as she threw the vile violently to the floor. Stepping back in ore as she watched it explode into a huge almost living cloud of smoke that immediately enveloped the church. She heard Xander utter a brief, "way to go Will" before he was drowned out by the shouts of anxious vampires. She pulled her kerchief over her nose and mouth and moved with the others to stake the vamps while they were disorientated and vulnerable. She briefly saw Angel out of the corner of her eye as he worked his way around the outside of the room towards the altar and Buffy staking anything that got in his way. 

She felt the world begin to swim with the slow trickle of blood that she felt running over her hands before it dripped to the floor. She had lost sight of Igor, of anyone due to the black cloud of smoke that tore at her throat causing her to cough and shut her eyes against it. She felt hands slide around her waist and tensed briefly before she recognised the familiar scent of Angel. She breathed a sigh of relief as he stepped close to her testing her bounds with his large hands before pulling at them with a ferocious growl. They broke easily under his rage and he pulled her from the dark cross and into his arms, resting her head on his lap. He wasted no time, ripping strips from his shirt, which he tied tightly around her wrists to stem the blood flow. He held her to him for a moment no more, taking and giving comfort before he lifted her as they plunged into the dissipating cloud and down the steps of the altar.

The blow came seemingly out of nowhere knocking him down and into the fallen pews with extreme force. As he fell with her in his arms he protected her from the fall with his body. He looked up to see the dark figure of Igor stepping through the smoke towards him. "She is our salvation brother. You may not take her from us" he said calmly. Angel glared at him kicking out with his foot at him as he drew closer the blow sending the unsuspecting vampire back into the altar with a growl. He took the opportunity to pass Buffy over to Giles before he regained his fighting stance. "Traitor" Igor spat back at him as he approached once more all brotherliness gone from his features. Angel growled at him threateningly lunging at him with all the hate and anger that he had been bottling up against this vampire that would dare threaten her. 

Willow helped Xander dust the last of the robed vampires, jumping on its back as he drove the stake into its heart. She turned in time to see Angel growl at Igor after handing a weak Buffy into the arms of Giles. In that moment she couldn't help but think of Angelus, seeing all of his murderous intent in Angels eyes before he pounced. She had had first hand experience of the demon and didn't hold much hope for Igor against Angel's alterior self. They could do nothing to help, reduced to merely watching as the two vampires fought violently at the foot of the altar. "I think Angel's finally working out his issues" Xander said quietly in ore of the other mans strength. Willow just nodded mutely kneeling to Giles side and Buffy as the two vampires continued to fight it out oblivious to their audience. "How is she?" she asked as Giles added more bandages to her wrists. "She is fine' Buffy said opening her eyes and attempting to smile, 'or she will be thanks to you. That was quite a trick Will, I'm impressed". Willow smiled taking her hand as she tried to sit up a bit more. She could see that she wasn't fine but didn't push it, the bleeding was beginning to slow it wouldn't be fatal. "Well with you being the slayer and all a girls gotta compete some how" Willow replied playing along. Buffy looked at her eyes for a moment before saying seriously, "You more than hold your own, you're the brain remember." Willow just nodded. "How's my favourite vampire doing?" Buffy asked after a pause. Willow looked up briefly to see Angel posed with the cross which Buffy had been strapped to in his arms the end broken off leaving a nasty jagged edge, which Igor was pinned beneath. Willow raised her eyebrows nodding as she turned back to Buffy, "he's doing real well" she said barely concealing a huge grin. Her words were followed by a huge screech, which punctuated what she'd said as Igor was turned dust and sent to join his brother. 

Buffy smiled as Angel came into her view kneeling down beside her where Willow had moved away to give him room. He was dirty and exhausted from the fight but he wasn't hurt. She closed her eyes briefly clamping down on the hurt. "See I knew you'd come in handy" she said as he pulled her into his lap and off of the cold floor. His arms going around her and holding her to him as the others hovered a short distance away quietly. "I didn't want it to happen like this," she said quietly.

"I know" he replied softly his hand gently squeezing hers as he held her.

"I wanted to tell you I wanted it to be special. Not like this, not in the dark, in the dirt." She closed her eyes tightly as another wave of pain swept through her, she felt Angel tighten his hold on her crushing her to him as if he could absorb her pain. She smiled as she gained control for a moment while she waited for the next wave. She could feel it, feel her grip slipping on life. She fought the panic that was rising in her head, she had to keep reassuring herself that it was only mortal death but her brain wouldn't listen, screaming at her as a traitor. She could hear Willow crying softly, she didn't want to open her eyes and look at the fear on her face, on all of their faces, she knew that she would lose it if she saw that. She didn't want to break down in front of them it would only make it worse if it all backfired. Oh yeah, even now she still wasn't sure, even as death came knocking she was afraid that they would change their minds, find her unworthy not 'the one' after all. "Oh Buffy what have you done?" that was Giles, she had to smile, from the way he said it she could have just blown off patrolling to go to the Bronze. She opened her eyes looking at him where he stood by Angel's right shoulder. "Come on Giles I thought you'd be pleased. It's not every Watcher who can boast that his slayer's still alive" from the look on his face it seemed he was on the verge of tears himself. "Buffy you know I..." she didn't let him finish. 

"You know the gig Giles. I'm the chosen one I don't have the luxury of saying no. Besides who else is gonna keep you guys out of trouble." He nodded in resignation,

"You picked a hell of a time to become the perfect pupil." He said sadly.

"Gotta keep you on your toes" she replied infusing her tone with lightness. She looked at Willow who was being held by Oz, she looked terrible her face streaming with tears. "Oh Will please don't cry. We've done this before remember. It's no big deal. You don't think I'd leave you do you, I haven't finished corrupting you yet." Xander lay his hand on Willow's shoulder comfortingly "Yeah she's got a lifetime's work right there, forget the whole slayer thing." He nodded his head in an exaggerated gesture and Willow smiled at him gratefully although not for a minute fooled, he returned the smile knowingly, communicating on some other level that the two of them shared. Buffy was grateful for Xander's support, he really was growing up. She felt a tear fall upon her cheek and turned her head up to look into Angel's soulful eyes now tinged with heartfelt grief that he was fighting unsuccessfully to retain for her benefit. "Hello lover" she whispered so that only he could hear, echoing the phrase that he had said to her so many times as Angelus but endearing it with the feeling that was always missing. He didn't even try to smile just held her eyes. "I want you to have this,' she said decidedly 'you deserve it". 

"Not if it means loosing you" he replied instantaneously.

"I'm no going anywhere" she breathed feeling the pain again. She fought to keep her eyes open, focusing on his face as her body shook from the force. Again he crushed her to him unable to stand the sight of her like this, feeling powerless. He buried his face in her hair, holding her steady and off the ground as she began to still. He looked once more into her face now streaked with her own tears that she had lost the ability to hold back. He kissed her mouth lightly afraid of hurting her anymore. "I love you so much" he whispered. He could see the happiness in her eyes and he felt his heartbreak that he had not said it more, that he had not given her more, that he had ever tried to push her away. "Ditto" she replied with all the strength that she could muster her breathing now laboured and harsh, her lips quivering. He felt a hand on his shoulder before he realised that someone was calling his name, he had been so lost in her eyes. It was Whistler "Angel you need to back away now, it's time". He couldn't make sense of what he was saying as his eyes stayed on Buffy, streaming silent tears. She was nodding for him to do as Whistler said but he didn't want to lay her on the hard, cold floor, in the dirt. He didn't think he had voiced his thoughts but Whistler responded to them, "it can't hurt her now Angel, nothing can". He reluctantly allowed himself to be pulled away, keeping his hands in contact with her until the last possible minute as he lay her gently down. Her eyes never left him following him as he stepped back from her. Her eyes closed slowly as she saw Giles come up beside him, putting a hand on his shoulder. She was glad that there was no bad feeling in the group, she was proud of them for that. She opened her eyes again briefly to look at Whistler, he smiled in return, a real smile with real warmth and reassurance. She heard his voice in her head as she closed her eyes for the last time telling her to stop fighting, 'it won't hurt if you don't fight'. That was irony for you and of course he was right. She let it go, all the fear and worry. She stopped fighting the waves allowing them to wash over her instead and it did stop hurting. Everything stopped. She felt it as if she were a spectator at her own demise. She saw her heart stop her lungs breath out their last breath. She stepped away from it all so easily, stepped out of the material body that had nurtured her for the last seventeen years with no regrets just a feeling of strength and unbelievable power that seemed to glow. She looked down at her body on the floor as it began to disappear saying a silent goodbye and thank you.

They stood in ore watching her body as she lay still on the floor. The light seemed to come out of nowhere, swirling around her as if it were alive, rustling her hair and her limbs as she relaxed into its attentions. She looked peaceful now. Willow not realising what she was doing found herself reaching out for her childhood friends hand squeezing it gently, Xander squeezed hers back in return without hesitation. It all happened so quickly that she immediately doubted that it had happened at all. The light lifted Buffy's body from the floor moving with the rhythm of breath, and then she seemed to step out of herself and after a moment the body on the floor disappeared. The light stayed, lingering in what looked like a farewell caress, circling the new Buffy like a huge cat before it to slipped away as suddenly as it had come. Willow held her breath as Buffy turned, afraid that she to would disappear. But she didn't she just looked at them smiling beautifully all hints of her previous pain and sadness gone. She looked so lovely Willow felt the sting of tears all over again, but this time tears of relief, of joy. There was an aspect of the light that still clung to her, it seemed to emanate from within speaking silently of strength and purpose. She looked the same yet different, wiser, she looked like she had come home. Willow was the first to move, to break free of the stillness that seemed to have settled over them all in the aftermath of the emotional turmoil. She flung herself at Buffy hugging her, reassuring herself that she was real. She was rewarded by the return of the hug and the feeling of warmth and a strong heartbeat that seemed to defy what she had just witnessed. "What did I tell you, good as new. Once you've died once you know it looses it's mystique" Buffy quipped, Willow laughed despite herself. 

When she spoke it seemed to break the stillness completely and the gang converged on her at once, hugging her and laughing again. "How do you feel?" Giles asked after giving her a rather uncharacteristic hug. "The same, different. I feel good, strong." He nodded silently smiling broadly. Her eyes were drawn to Angel who stood a step away. As she took that step towards him he smiled at her with one of his smiles that could've melted even the coldest of hearts. "Hello lover" his said teasingly, the endearment filled with warmth. She looked at him uncertainly then turned to look at Whistler, who stood back from the group, questioningly. He nodded at her, "they keep their word," he said in reply to her silent question. She felt Angel take her hand and she allowed her eyes to return to him as he placed her hand on his chest. Her breath caught as she felt his heartbeat strongly. He felt warm, his breath hot against her hair as he stepped closer to her. His eyes looked so happy, so light. She didn't realise the tears had fallen until she felt the jolt of electricity when his hand wiped them from her face. He continued to smile matching her tears with his own, "thankyou" he said as he bent to kiss her tenderly. She sighed into the kiss happily. She felt like she hadn't stopped crying for the past three weeks, but these were good tears happy tears. She was brought back to earth by Xander's familiar tone, "I hate to break this up folks, but is anyone else hungry, cause I have to say I'm starved." she laughed at the familiarity of his words as she continued to hold tightly to Angel their lips barely apart. He growled lightly stealing her lips for another hot kiss as she continued to giggle, "I've been hungry for two hundred and forty five years" he said, smiling as he held her to him stealing small kisses, unable to tear his eyes from her. "Finally a man after my own heart" Xander said in response ignoring a snide comment from Cordelia. The gang began to leave the church and all the horrors that it had housed. Buffy stopped as she noticed that Whistler wasn't following. "Aren't you coming?" she asked. He shook his head putting his hands in his pockets, "No kid, this is your time. Enjoy it treasure it. I'll be back all to soon I'm afraid, the real fights only just beginning, its only gonna get worse from here." Even his words were unable to break her smile. "I know,' she replied 'I feel like I know so many things, can do so many things". He nodded

"That's the power. It's all up here' he said tapping his forehead 'all you'll ever need. I'll be back" he went to leave but she stopped him, her hand coming down on his arm like lightning before he could fade out. "Thankyou" she said sincerely before leaning in to kiss him lightly on the cheek. To say he was surprised was an understatement, it had been so long since anyone had shown him real warmth. Maybe she would really do it, he hoped so. He smiled at her once more before she removed her hand allowing him to disappear. 

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Epilogue

They converged on the mansion, a large happy group filling its rooms with the sound of laughter and the aroma of melted cheese from the large assortment of pizzas that they had ordered at this ungodly hour while all normal people slept. It was as if nothing had happened. Even Giles was laughing and joking giving Xander smart comebacks for once instead of allowing the boys jokes to slide by. Angel it seemed was in heaven as he allowed her to introduce him to the delights of take away pizza and Ben and Jerry's chocolate fudge brownie of which he was fast becoming a huge fan. She fed him watching his reactions as he experienced food for the first time in over two hundred years. Everything was good to him the brooding shadow that she had so often seen cast over his beautiful features now no where in sight, he was glowing and she loved it. After a couple of hours the gang began to wan as the night's events caught up with them, they all file out sleepily. As the last of them left she closed the door and was immediately pulled into Angels arms for a kiss that grew deeper and more passionate until he pulled back for his new found need to breath. She took his hand leading him up the stairs, she noticed his playful grunt of disapproval as she passed the bedroom door without entering instead continuing up until they reached the roof. He hesitated as she went to pull him outside onto it, a flickering of fear in his eyes at the thing that he had cowered from for so long. She brought his hand to her lips kissing it reassuringly pulling him out once more, this time he let her. He held her close as they watched the sky turn slowly blue through a multitude of colours as the Sun rose on the horizon. She held his hand the whole time watching his face as it was bathed in light. He winced at first before closing his eyes to relish the forgotten heat. As the Sun rose completely she saw his lip quiver at the sight of it more tears falling. It was her turn to wipe the tears away now as she gazed at him in the daylight. "You're beautiful," she said simply. His eyes were glued to the rooftops below as they came alive under the Suns rays into an array of bright colours. "I think they got our names wrong" he said reflectively. 

"What do you mean?" she asked still studying his face. He turned to her his hand cupping her cheek.

"You're the Angel, I'm just thankful that you chose me', she smiled laying her hand over his where it rested on her face 'you know you're stuck with me now. I'll never leave." He laughed the sound like music to her ears. 

"I hope so" she replied already leaning up to kiss him once more, this time when the kiss deepened neither of them broke away the Sun forgotten in the face of a greater heat that they found in each other. 

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THE END

(Possibly a sequel? I don't know I'll have to recover from this one first)


End file.
